'Scotch'

I find it incredible how quickly life can change - how beliefs, views, ideas, ideals and pespectives can change overnight; in a split second sometimes. How quickly everything you know can come shattering down on the floor in pieces and by the time you see them your at a point where you don't know which ones you should be picking up and which ones you need to leave on the floor for a while, or discard permanantly. It's where I am now and I've never been here, so I'm not sure how to be, so i'm figuring that out day by day, sometimes by the hour or minute.

My life is again up in the air and I can't see very much past the present, but i'm okay with that only because i can recognize so clearly where i am now, and have an idea where i want to go. I have to work on not streching mysellf so thin over all the things I want to do that I get lost - now this, is a challange!

I never thought the bitterness of my divorce (which is now final) and my ex-husband would ever go away, but it has. I'm not sure what exactly made me see that, but it's good. I think part of it was recognizing that it didn't matter, and at the end of the day it was only hurting me. A friend of mine said it this way: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. we all know that it only posions the one drinking it so i decided i wasn't going to drink it anymore, and i've been so much calmer, more at peace than i ever have been. That happened 4 days ago, and I still feel that way - it's new, but it's good. I don't think that will change.

I've been stupid, and childish and more often than not let my emotions have more control than i should ever let them, and i hurt not only myself but the ones i care most about. it's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is at this point and i need to change that - am working on changing that.

So what have i been up to since feb... Met 'Scotch' in person, and fell harder than i already had for him. Had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun - ate horrible food at all my favorite places except the Grizzly house (which he chose, where I had never been & it was actually the worst...) cooked, tried new things, bought my Jane (my guitar), played x-box together... and died inside when he was done with me, or thought he was done with me and i screwed it up, hurt him and myself with a stupid comment b/c I was so hurt and will probably never talk or see eachother again, which i have mixed feelings about. It was as if he was always here, like I had always known him and then just one day he was gone. It was the most amazingly awful feeling I've ever had - like loosing my best friend. Wierd, but true. It's a type of connection I've never had with anyone - wouldn't say that it was 'love' in the traditional sense, but a connection that was un-shakable, that I think I'll always have. I think that the specific situation how things ended, that i realized that i let my emotions have way too much control, and i have to use my head more - or not be so spontanious about situations like that, to think things thru before I do or say Anything (this, I get from my mother... thank goodness it's not as bad as how she is...) especially when i'm hurt, but it also takes two to figure it out, so I am passing a bit of the blame for that.

My family and some friends are angry with me b/c of this whole situation with 'Scotch' - but at the end of the day, my heart is bleeding red again; pure, unadulturated red. i've been so numb for so long - so bitter, so angry i didn't realize that it wasn't bleeding at all or if it was, it was bleeding black; so i'm grateful for that. I just hate that I had to learn it this way.

'Scotch' inspired me to be better, to believe in myself - to look at life differently. I've never had so much creative inspiration before and have written 2 amazing new songs, taking better care of myself and dreaming big, but good. Made me realize how klutzy I am physically and emotionally too, but thats me. I have a big heart that gets brusied easy b/c when i open it, i don't hold anything back which I realize I need to learn to do until it's safe; and when i get hurt, I don't think so clearly, i react and that's not good. I have no idea how to do this, at all. I don't know how to learn how to do that, but i have to, for everyones sake! :p The friends that I have closest to me get this about me - as skrewed up as this may sound, i'm loyal, fiercely protective of them, supportive, will be there in a heart-beat if they need me - wherever in the world i'd have to go, and i'm blunt - I won't ever lie or make excuses (okay, well sometimes I make excuses, but they call me on it - all the time...) I don't let many people in, but once you're in... skrewy, but me.

I've cut out caffine, and with the exception of a few shots, have been 'free' for 3 weeks now which is awesome. Cut out drinking as well - well, a lot of drinking - not completely: i like my wine! I've cut out the negative influences in my life as hard as that's been and no matter how much I love some of those people, I can't have that kind of judgemetal and selfish attitude affect how I feel about myself and my future. I'm downsizing everything I own and getting rid of whatever i can't take with me wherever i go. I've applied for school and waiting to hear back from admissions so i'm pretty excited about that. If I get in, i'll be here until next May, but if not, I'm off someplace. Curtis (my bro) is teaching me guitar in addition to learning online. I'm catching onto French again pretty quickly and enjoying it immensly (I need to remember how to spell.... gr) I'm going to try and go to Thailand this fall and visit my friends there. They suggested getting the TESOL course before I come if i want to stay & I won't need a degree - gotta love connections... so I'm checking that out. Working out more than i have in years - and it's positively BLISSFUL!!!!

Maybe I won't ever be a famous songwrighter or musician, but I'll always have music, I'll always be me and I'm okay with that. I only have to be good enough for me with whatever it is that i'm doing. I don't need money or fame or any of those superficial things. I just want to have few regrets, b/c I know i'll always have some - whether planned or not, so its inescapable but part of it is thinking before acting / re-acting. I want great friends (which I have, minus the one that will always hold a very special place in my heart wherever he is, whatever he does), great memories, great adventures and eventually someone to share that with, but I'm in no rush for that. I know I'll never settle for anyone who doesn't see all of me - the good parts, the messy parts, my dreams, my fears, my talents and my scars and recognize that it's all a part of me and still love me. I want something real, tangable, passionate, intense and beautiful because that's what I am - all messed up together but me.

Whatever happens, I know i'm gonna be okay. I am.