I’m so happy that I got to see Kings at Sasquatch Festival at the Gorge in Washington this past spring... What a perfect venue for such a band and being 20 feet from the stage - pretty exciting stuff.
There are so many bands out there with amazing talent and albums, but when you see them live, well, what can I say but that it's a disappointment.
Not so with Kings... in fact, it's more the opposite - them Live, is a pleasure to watch, not just delivering on every song, but intensely being conscious of their fans the soul of the band really shines through – almost as if it’s recognizing the privilege to be performing in front of so many people, a pride in what they do, but humbly aware of both their roots and the fragileness of the career choice they’ve made, recognizing that it will probably one day be over, and they’ll again find their ‘paint cans’ & be painting houses.
Maybe because I’m an artist, it's about the simplicity, or the purity of live music that captures the audience along with an energy that must pervade every venue, every show, every person - it's about delivering every time, all the passion and energy and with intensity regardless of What is going on in your life, and that's exactly what they do. From the reviews from last night’s concert, it appears that that is again the case, which is a disappointment as I wasn’t there to see it.
Death rarely comes at a convenient time, and as life would have it, my Uncle keeled over with a massive heart attack Sunday night and as the family descended on Alberta for the funeral I found myself at a loss. Although I was glad that I got my money back for my amazing seats, I was torn - do I ditch the family (pre-funeral, who I love but haven't seen some in years) and go to the concert (which I didn't do...).
I find this somewhat strange because I see concerts all the time, and if I miss one well, whatever. For whatever reason, last night it was all I could do to stay at home and not go down to the dome (even in my sweats & half corked from drinking with my family) and buy a scalped ticket and go to the show... very strange, this!
I suppose it's sort of like Bon Iver (amazing - now if you haven't heard of them, LOOK them up, totally different genre, but tremendous stuff… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePatJIwB-sI).
Caleb somehow, cocky and arrogant yet almost meekly manages to reach out and grab you by the scruff of the neck and pulls you so close with his lyrics that he dares you to look into his eyes and into his soul, to taste the passion and anger; to smell the sweat and feel the power of being so close... It’s a raw passion which they perform show after show, album after album and every few songs, flick a much coveted pick into a crowd of adoring fans; it’s what I aspire to do with my music, and few have.
Maybe it's because in some strange way I can relate to facets of them... being raised in a religious family before 'finding music', growing up in a 'hick-town' where no one expects you to go anywhere; from being emotionally beaten up by an ex or having no outlet except music along with a brother who is far more talented than I, that gets that part of me... I don't know but its heady stuff. Whatever the case, for as much as has happened in my life this year, even 50 years from now, KOL will be the theme song for 2009, for me.
So for a first show in Calgary, people didn't really know... didn't see Kings outside of a couple of songs religiously played on the radio, but after last night, I believe you got our attention, more collectively.
Kings, are here to stay.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
So you think you're having a bad day...
If you are, read on and feel much better! I'm going to try and write this in a positive note or funny one (if I can manage to) so when i think things are going wrong in the futre it will either be an inspiration for writing or to appreciate how good of a day I'm actually having at the time.
I do want to preface today with yesterday which was a great night with friends... BBQ, hot tub, photoshoot in the afternoon for my portfolio... My photographer T. is amazing and I felt pretty pumped afterwards and went for a 9K jog - so pretty good.
This morning, in the still pumped mode, decide to get up at 5:30 and go for a run but hit snooze b/c it was still way too dark so get out the door by 6AM and jog 6K and do a pilates work-out as well. Jump in the shower, get ready for work - feeling sexy and full of energy and b/c I'm running a few minutes late, forget my day-book at home with my LIFE in it.
Stop in at Starbucks to grab my Americano and cash a $20 so I have change for the train and head on down MacLeod Trail. It's at this point that I see the flashing lights and not sure Why the officer is pulling me over, I pull over and park and a bit bewildered wait for him to approach my window.
So standard procedure; license and registration speal to which I realize that both my registration and insurance paperwork is in my day-book at home. At this point, the officer informs me that he pulled me over b/c my car registration is expired as of July 31st and I'm totally dumbfounded that I possibly could have forgotten to do this but never got the renewal form so didn't think of it. Why the address wasn't updated is beyond me, but considering my year, it's not suprising that I've forgotten to do it.
So. Driving around with No Registration & No Insurance.
The officer goes back to his truck with my license (he's actually really nice, so this is a plus) to check it, and meanwhile I call in late to work and after this, receive phone call stating that my Uncle died yesterday of a massive heart attack.
So the officer comes back to my car requesting a phone number so that he can phone my insurance company to verify I do have insurance (which truth be told was really nice b/c they usually are dinks and don't care...) and trying to keep my composure (I Hate crying especially in front of people) I've found an old temporary card with the phone number and an address that doesn't match either my license or the registration on the plate... ackward explaining my moving around to avoid my ex-husband over the past year and a half... & why I haven't switched my license over to my new address yet; goes back to truck as i sit in my car in tears...
long and short, he gives me one ticket for $230.00 out of a possible four totalling over $950, plus car tow and court date. I'm relived at this point but now have a mess of make-up as he tells me that I need to get this taken care of today and if I get pulled over today (again) that the possibility is for the whole same senario all over and more tickets.
So my uncle is dead and now my family is on their way into town. Again.
Work goes okay once I actually get there (nearly hour and half late) - don't have too much to do, so working on my MT vocabulary. Get phone call from friend cancelling going to a concert on Thursday which I've been looking forward to for months that I actually forgot to pick-up my tickets from ticket-master... So now realizing I've got extra tickets and may not be able to go i'm a bit choked, but... hey - it's a funeral right?
Work is over, so I'm off home to get my insurance and registration to renew, (you know how they say things happen in 3's???) find out i have an $80 ticket issued on June 2nd. First I hear of it - they don't take any credit cards... diving a bit deeper in to my Europe money. Okay, so car is registered again. (add in re-registration fee - ching ching)...
Get phone call from ex-husband and he's got my paperwork for registration (how wonderfully convenient...), a bill for $115 from an MRI that got sent to him instead of me back in JANUARY that's now painfully over due (really~) and to see about going to dinner to work things out with our marriage. Of course this makes Complete sense because WE'RE DIVORCED!
It's been an incredibly emotional day to which I'm happy to say i kept my composure through the majority of (with the exception of the 'death call' this morning) but about to lose it.
And I don't.
i just feel done - like life beat the crap out of me today. I am grateful that I never have to repeat today & I can chalk it up to another bit of life-lessons but it still sucks.
I figure it can only go up from here, and off to meet a bunch of girl-friends for a 'send-off' for my friend K. who's moving to Austraila next week.
Girls night otta pick me up - I hope!
Anyways, tomorrow's a new day - looking forward to it: single, beautiful and full of Hope.
I do want to preface today with yesterday which was a great night with friends... BBQ, hot tub, photoshoot in the afternoon for my portfolio... My photographer T. is amazing and I felt pretty pumped afterwards and went for a 9K jog - so pretty good.
This morning, in the still pumped mode, decide to get up at 5:30 and go for a run but hit snooze b/c it was still way too dark so get out the door by 6AM and jog 6K and do a pilates work-out as well. Jump in the shower, get ready for work - feeling sexy and full of energy and b/c I'm running a few minutes late, forget my day-book at home with my LIFE in it.
Stop in at Starbucks to grab my Americano and cash a $20 so I have change for the train and head on down MacLeod Trail. It's at this point that I see the flashing lights and not sure Why the officer is pulling me over, I pull over and park and a bit bewildered wait for him to approach my window.
So standard procedure; license and registration speal to which I realize that both my registration and insurance paperwork is in my day-book at home. At this point, the officer informs me that he pulled me over b/c my car registration is expired as of July 31st and I'm totally dumbfounded that I possibly could have forgotten to do this but never got the renewal form so didn't think of it. Why the address wasn't updated is beyond me, but considering my year, it's not suprising that I've forgotten to do it.
So. Driving around with No Registration & No Insurance.
The officer goes back to his truck with my license (he's actually really nice, so this is a plus) to check it, and meanwhile I call in late to work and after this, receive phone call stating that my Uncle died yesterday of a massive heart attack.
So the officer comes back to my car requesting a phone number so that he can phone my insurance company to verify I do have insurance (which truth be told was really nice b/c they usually are dinks and don't care...) and trying to keep my composure (I Hate crying especially in front of people) I've found an old temporary card with the phone number and an address that doesn't match either my license or the registration on the plate... ackward explaining my moving around to avoid my ex-husband over the past year and a half... & why I haven't switched my license over to my new address yet; goes back to truck as i sit in my car in tears...
long and short, he gives me one ticket for $230.00 out of a possible four totalling over $950, plus car tow and court date. I'm relived at this point but now have a mess of make-up as he tells me that I need to get this taken care of today and if I get pulled over today (again) that the possibility is for the whole same senario all over and more tickets.
So my uncle is dead and now my family is on their way into town. Again.
Work goes okay once I actually get there (nearly hour and half late) - don't have too much to do, so working on my MT vocabulary. Get phone call from friend cancelling going to a concert on Thursday which I've been looking forward to for months that I actually forgot to pick-up my tickets from ticket-master... So now realizing I've got extra tickets and may not be able to go i'm a bit choked, but... hey - it's a funeral right?
Work is over, so I'm off home to get my insurance and registration to renew, (you know how they say things happen in 3's???) find out i have an $80 ticket issued on June 2nd. First I hear of it - they don't take any credit cards... diving a bit deeper in to my Europe money. Okay, so car is registered again. (add in re-registration fee - ching ching)...
Get phone call from ex-husband and he's got my paperwork for registration (how wonderfully convenient...), a bill for $115 from an MRI that got sent to him instead of me back in JANUARY that's now painfully over due (really~) and to see about going to dinner to work things out with our marriage. Of course this makes Complete sense because WE'RE DIVORCED!
It's been an incredibly emotional day to which I'm happy to say i kept my composure through the majority of (with the exception of the 'death call' this morning) but about to lose it.
And I don't.
i just feel done - like life beat the crap out of me today. I am grateful that I never have to repeat today & I can chalk it up to another bit of life-lessons but it still sucks.
I figure it can only go up from here, and off to meet a bunch of girl-friends for a 'send-off' for my friend K. who's moving to Austraila next week.
Girls night otta pick me up - I hope!
Anyways, tomorrow's a new day - looking forward to it: single, beautiful and full of Hope.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
busy busy busy!
A few months have gone by and I'm still sitting in my 'open concept' office on the 10th floor of DT Calgary trying to figure out which route in life to take as the gloominess of August lingers on... Have had some clairification (which is always a good thing) regarding my music and recording. Turns out that my 'producer' is a middle man and although the money raising is done, the prospect of not having a well placed marketing team ready is beyond what I'm willing to risk, especially with that much (of someone elses money) on the line.
So, at the advice of a good friend, (skrewed over artist by this producer who is now touring with new band and a Wealth of information) I'm honing my skills and continuing to play and write - finding out what exactly makes my music / sound / image unique enough to go the distance once I start 'running'. Soon enough I say! It's something I'll always have.
Have moved to new house, and started school. As I'm "working" FT with no work, which is affording me plenty of time for study (nice!) which is contributing to a 98% average. Very excited b/c at this rate, I'll be finished 4 months early and hopefully working both my current job and transcribing at the same time for a bit - save up a bit of a cushion before jumping off. Ooo and talked to my brother about Mexico - both bro's and their wives are looking to move down south semi-permantly which means free place to crash! They're buying a boat. *bliss...
Off to drive through Spain in a few weeks, hang out in Dublin for the weekend and a quick jaunt to England - first time to Europe, so very excited about it.
Finishing two bridesmaids dresses (from hell I say) for a wedding next weekend which will be beautiful but wishing it was a bit more organized... last minute is NOT the way to go! Have done quite a bit of designing lately - a few costumes, a wedding dress, and a stellar rain coat. Photo-shoot on Sunday (had amazing audition with a casting director from Vancouver) and being submitted for principle role in up coming movie - (biting nails!!!)
Running 9K every other day, and feeling so amazing, strong... Ran into ex-husband at a party 1500 miles away and (well fancy that...) decides that he want's me back - "what can I do to make you trust me..." hmmmm Never saw that one coming, besides being, oh a year or two late.
Just really enjoying being me, traveling - the adventure of 'running-away' with a back pack for a month or two; having the freedom to do what I please, when I please - meeting new people and doing new things.
It's like getting a new lease on life; a second chance; insert other cliche here... it's just a blessing I never thought to posess again but all the sweeter b/c I'm mature, and have a bit of money and no real responsibilities.
Life is good!
So, at the advice of a good friend, (skrewed over artist by this producer who is now touring with new band and a Wealth of information) I'm honing my skills and continuing to play and write - finding out what exactly makes my music / sound / image unique enough to go the distance once I start 'running'. Soon enough I say! It's something I'll always have.
Have moved to new house, and started school. As I'm "working" FT with no work, which is affording me plenty of time for study (nice!) which is contributing to a 98% average. Very excited b/c at this rate, I'll be finished 4 months early and hopefully working both my current job and transcribing at the same time for a bit - save up a bit of a cushion before jumping off. Ooo and talked to my brother about Mexico - both bro's and their wives are looking to move down south semi-permantly which means free place to crash! They're buying a boat. *bliss...
Off to drive through Spain in a few weeks, hang out in Dublin for the weekend and a quick jaunt to England - first time to Europe, so very excited about it.
Finishing two bridesmaids dresses (from hell I say) for a wedding next weekend which will be beautiful but wishing it was a bit more organized... last minute is NOT the way to go! Have done quite a bit of designing lately - a few costumes, a wedding dress, and a stellar rain coat. Photo-shoot on Sunday (had amazing audition with a casting director from Vancouver) and being submitted for principle role in up coming movie - (biting nails!!!)
Running 9K every other day, and feeling so amazing, strong... Ran into ex-husband at a party 1500 miles away and (well fancy that...) decides that he want's me back - "what can I do to make you trust me..." hmmmm Never saw that one coming, besides being, oh a year or two late.
Just really enjoying being me, traveling - the adventure of 'running-away' with a back pack for a month or two; having the freedom to do what I please, when I please - meeting new people and doing new things.
It's like getting a new lease on life; a second chance; insert other cliche here... it's just a blessing I never thought to posess again but all the sweeter b/c I'm mature, and have a bit of money and no real responsibilities.
Life is good!
Friday, April 10, 2009
'Scotch'
I find it incredible how quickly life can change - how beliefs, views, ideas, ideals and pespectives can change overnight; in a split second sometimes. How quickly everything you know can come shattering down on the floor in pieces and by the time you see them your at a point where you don't know which ones you should be picking up and which ones you need to leave on the floor for a while, or discard permanantly. It's where I am now and I've never been here, so I'm not sure how to be, so i'm figuring that out day by day, sometimes by the hour or minute.
My life is again up in the air and I can't see very much past the present, but i'm okay with that only because i can recognize so clearly where i am now, and have an idea where i want to go. I have to work on not streching mysellf so thin over all the things I want to do that I get lost - now this, is a challange!
I never thought the bitterness of my divorce (which is now final) and my ex-husband would ever go away, but it has. I'm not sure what exactly made me see that, but it's good. I think part of it was recognizing that it didn't matter, and at the end of the day it was only hurting me. A friend of mine said it this way: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. we all know that it only posions the one drinking it so i decided i wasn't going to drink it anymore, and i've been so much calmer, more at peace than i ever have been. That happened 4 days ago, and I still feel that way - it's new, but it's good. I don't think that will change.
I've been stupid, and childish and more often than not let my emotions have more control than i should ever let them, and i hurt not only myself but the ones i care most about. it's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is at this point and i need to change that - am working on changing that.
So what have i been up to since feb... Met 'Scotch' in person, and fell harder than i already had for him. Had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun - ate horrible food at all my favorite places except the Grizzly house (which he chose, where I had never been & it was actually the worst...) cooked, tried new things, bought my Jane (my guitar), played x-box together... and died inside when he was done with me, or thought he was done with me and i screwed it up, hurt him and myself with a stupid comment b/c I was so hurt and will probably never talk or see eachother again, which i have mixed feelings about. It was as if he was always here, like I had always known him and then just one day he was gone. It was the most amazingly awful feeling I've ever had - like loosing my best friend. Wierd, but true. It's a type of connection I've never had with anyone - wouldn't say that it was 'love' in the traditional sense, but a connection that was un-shakable, that I think I'll always have. I think that the specific situation how things ended, that i realized that i let my emotions have way too much control, and i have to use my head more - or not be so spontanious about situations like that, to think things thru before I do or say Anything (this, I get from my mother... thank goodness it's not as bad as how she is...) especially when i'm hurt, but it also takes two to figure it out, so I am passing a bit of the blame for that.
My family and some friends are angry with me b/c of this whole situation with 'Scotch' - but at the end of the day, my heart is bleeding red again; pure, unadulturated red. i've been so numb for so long - so bitter, so angry i didn't realize that it wasn't bleeding at all or if it was, it was bleeding black; so i'm grateful for that. I just hate that I had to learn it this way.
'Scotch' inspired me to be better, to believe in myself - to look at life differently. I've never had so much creative inspiration before and have written 2 amazing new songs, taking better care of myself and dreaming big, but good. Made me realize how klutzy I am physically and emotionally too, but thats me. I have a big heart that gets brusied easy b/c when i open it, i don't hold anything back which I realize I need to learn to do until it's safe; and when i get hurt, I don't think so clearly, i react and that's not good. I have no idea how to do this, at all. I don't know how to learn how to do that, but i have to, for everyones sake! :p The friends that I have closest to me get this about me - as skrewed up as this may sound, i'm loyal, fiercely protective of them, supportive, will be there in a heart-beat if they need me - wherever in the world i'd have to go, and i'm blunt - I won't ever lie or make excuses (okay, well sometimes I make excuses, but they call me on it - all the time...) I don't let many people in, but once you're in... skrewy, but me.
I've cut out caffine, and with the exception of a few shots, have been 'free' for 3 weeks now which is awesome. Cut out drinking as well - well, a lot of drinking - not completely: i like my wine! I've cut out the negative influences in my life as hard as that's been and no matter how much I love some of those people, I can't have that kind of judgemetal and selfish attitude affect how I feel about myself and my future. I'm downsizing everything I own and getting rid of whatever i can't take with me wherever i go. I've applied for school and waiting to hear back from admissions so i'm pretty excited about that. If I get in, i'll be here until next May, but if not, I'm off someplace. Curtis (my bro) is teaching me guitar in addition to learning online. I'm catching onto French again pretty quickly and enjoying it immensly (I need to remember how to spell.... gr) I'm going to try and go to Thailand this fall and visit my friends there. They suggested getting the TESOL course before I come if i want to stay & I won't need a degree - gotta love connections... so I'm checking that out. Working out more than i have in years - and it's positively BLISSFUL!!!!
Maybe I won't ever be a famous songwrighter or musician, but I'll always have music, I'll always be me and I'm okay with that. I only have to be good enough for me with whatever it is that i'm doing. I don't need money or fame or any of those superficial things. I just want to have few regrets, b/c I know i'll always have some - whether planned or not, so its inescapable but part of it is thinking before acting / re-acting. I want great friends (which I have, minus the one that will always hold a very special place in my heart wherever he is, whatever he does), great memories, great adventures and eventually someone to share that with, but I'm in no rush for that. I know I'll never settle for anyone who doesn't see all of me - the good parts, the messy parts, my dreams, my fears, my talents and my scars and recognize that it's all a part of me and still love me. I want something real, tangable, passionate, intense and beautiful because that's what I am - all messed up together but me.
Whatever happens, I know i'm gonna be okay. I am.
My life is again up in the air and I can't see very much past the present, but i'm okay with that only because i can recognize so clearly where i am now, and have an idea where i want to go. I have to work on not streching mysellf so thin over all the things I want to do that I get lost - now this, is a challange!
I never thought the bitterness of my divorce (which is now final) and my ex-husband would ever go away, but it has. I'm not sure what exactly made me see that, but it's good. I think part of it was recognizing that it didn't matter, and at the end of the day it was only hurting me. A friend of mine said it this way: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. we all know that it only posions the one drinking it so i decided i wasn't going to drink it anymore, and i've been so much calmer, more at peace than i ever have been. That happened 4 days ago, and I still feel that way - it's new, but it's good. I don't think that will change.
I've been stupid, and childish and more often than not let my emotions have more control than i should ever let them, and i hurt not only myself but the ones i care most about. it's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is at this point and i need to change that - am working on changing that.
So what have i been up to since feb... Met 'Scotch' in person, and fell harder than i already had for him. Had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun - ate horrible food at all my favorite places except the Grizzly house (which he chose, where I had never been & it was actually the worst...) cooked, tried new things, bought my Jane (my guitar), played x-box together... and died inside when he was done with me, or thought he was done with me and i screwed it up, hurt him and myself with a stupid comment b/c I was so hurt and will probably never talk or see eachother again, which i have mixed feelings about. It was as if he was always here, like I had always known him and then just one day he was gone. It was the most amazingly awful feeling I've ever had - like loosing my best friend. Wierd, but true. It's a type of connection I've never had with anyone - wouldn't say that it was 'love' in the traditional sense, but a connection that was un-shakable, that I think I'll always have. I think that the specific situation how things ended, that i realized that i let my emotions have way too much control, and i have to use my head more - or not be so spontanious about situations like that, to think things thru before I do or say Anything (this, I get from my mother... thank goodness it's not as bad as how she is...) especially when i'm hurt, but it also takes two to figure it out, so I am passing a bit of the blame for that.
My family and some friends are angry with me b/c of this whole situation with 'Scotch' - but at the end of the day, my heart is bleeding red again; pure, unadulturated red. i've been so numb for so long - so bitter, so angry i didn't realize that it wasn't bleeding at all or if it was, it was bleeding black; so i'm grateful for that. I just hate that I had to learn it this way.
'Scotch' inspired me to be better, to believe in myself - to look at life differently. I've never had so much creative inspiration before and have written 2 amazing new songs, taking better care of myself and dreaming big, but good. Made me realize how klutzy I am physically and emotionally too, but thats me. I have a big heart that gets brusied easy b/c when i open it, i don't hold anything back which I realize I need to learn to do until it's safe; and when i get hurt, I don't think so clearly, i react and that's not good. I have no idea how to do this, at all. I don't know how to learn how to do that, but i have to, for everyones sake! :p The friends that I have closest to me get this about me - as skrewed up as this may sound, i'm loyal, fiercely protective of them, supportive, will be there in a heart-beat if they need me - wherever in the world i'd have to go, and i'm blunt - I won't ever lie or make excuses (okay, well sometimes I make excuses, but they call me on it - all the time...) I don't let many people in, but once you're in... skrewy, but me.
I've cut out caffine, and with the exception of a few shots, have been 'free' for 3 weeks now which is awesome. Cut out drinking as well - well, a lot of drinking - not completely: i like my wine! I've cut out the negative influences in my life as hard as that's been and no matter how much I love some of those people, I can't have that kind of judgemetal and selfish attitude affect how I feel about myself and my future. I'm downsizing everything I own and getting rid of whatever i can't take with me wherever i go. I've applied for school and waiting to hear back from admissions so i'm pretty excited about that. If I get in, i'll be here until next May, but if not, I'm off someplace. Curtis (my bro) is teaching me guitar in addition to learning online. I'm catching onto French again pretty quickly and enjoying it immensly (I need to remember how to spell.... gr) I'm going to try and go to Thailand this fall and visit my friends there. They suggested getting the TESOL course before I come if i want to stay & I won't need a degree - gotta love connections... so I'm checking that out. Working out more than i have in years - and it's positively BLISSFUL!!!!
Maybe I won't ever be a famous songwrighter or musician, but I'll always have music, I'll always be me and I'm okay with that. I only have to be good enough for me with whatever it is that i'm doing. I don't need money or fame or any of those superficial things. I just want to have few regrets, b/c I know i'll always have some - whether planned or not, so its inescapable but part of it is thinking before acting / re-acting. I want great friends (which I have, minus the one that will always hold a very special place in my heart wherever he is, whatever he does), great memories, great adventures and eventually someone to share that with, but I'm in no rush for that. I know I'll never settle for anyone who doesn't see all of me - the good parts, the messy parts, my dreams, my fears, my talents and my scars and recognize that it's all a part of me and still love me. I want something real, tangable, passionate, intense and beautiful because that's what I am - all messed up together but me.
Whatever happens, I know i'm gonna be okay. I am.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Grateful.
Its 2:17 P.M. and i'm taking a bit of time to reflect on what i'm so truly grateful for.
It's been a tumultuous few days for the family. My nephew's wife - beautiful, young and so in love, was killed on Wednesday morning on her way to work when her car spun out of control, crossed a median and was hit by a gravel truck. She was 19. Family has been pouring in from all over the country for her funeral. The viewing is actually happening today, she'll be buried tomorrow and the memorial service will be held on Sunday - what would have been they're first wedding anniversary. Truly heart-breaking.
Its hard to make sense of life sometimes; all the whys, what-ifs, and why nots, but all the questioning in the world will never bring her back and it breaks my heart; it also invariably makes me question my own circumstances - if I knew that today was my last day would I be happy with what I've done with not just today, but my life so-far?
Beg's consideration.
And so, i'm here, at my favorite starbucks drinking my favorite calorie laden drink listeing to the crooning of the album playing - it seems to be compilation of Dean Martin, Ella, Billie and others which are my favorites. I hugged both my parent today and told them I loved them, (they drove 1200 miles to be here and got in at 4 this morning); mom and I actually sat and had a (depressingly) frank conversation about age - how in 2046 she'll be 100, and I'll be older than she is now... it seems so far away, and yet so short a time. A proverb says 'man, born of woman is short lived and glutted with agitation' - so true but depressing. Motivates me to be less 'glutted with agitation' and determined to see life as the glass half full.
I found someone I want to know more and more about; the joys, sorrows, everything. I spent time with my niece, and will see my other niece tonight. I've seen and talked to cousins, brothers and other loved ones.
I think that at the end of the day, its about capturing the little everyday moments that are so fleetingly normal that build to make memories and a life worth living... those sometimes agonizing moments where we seem so bored with the monotony of life that really are the special times. I'm grateful to have had all of those moments, good and bad b/c they make me who I am today, who I want to be, what I'm not and what I inspire to be.
Bottom line, I don't want to waste one second of this precious life I've been granted, ever. It's all I have.
It's been a tumultuous few days for the family. My nephew's wife - beautiful, young and so in love, was killed on Wednesday morning on her way to work when her car spun out of control, crossed a median and was hit by a gravel truck. She was 19. Family has been pouring in from all over the country for her funeral. The viewing is actually happening today, she'll be buried tomorrow and the memorial service will be held on Sunday - what would have been they're first wedding anniversary. Truly heart-breaking.
Its hard to make sense of life sometimes; all the whys, what-ifs, and why nots, but all the questioning in the world will never bring her back and it breaks my heart; it also invariably makes me question my own circumstances - if I knew that today was my last day would I be happy with what I've done with not just today, but my life so-far?
Beg's consideration.
And so, i'm here, at my favorite starbucks drinking my favorite calorie laden drink listeing to the crooning of the album playing - it seems to be compilation of Dean Martin, Ella, Billie and others which are my favorites. I hugged both my parent today and told them I loved them, (they drove 1200 miles to be here and got in at 4 this morning); mom and I actually sat and had a (depressingly) frank conversation about age - how in 2046 she'll be 100, and I'll be older than she is now... it seems so far away, and yet so short a time. A proverb says 'man, born of woman is short lived and glutted with agitation' - so true but depressing. Motivates me to be less 'glutted with agitation' and determined to see life as the glass half full.
I found someone I want to know more and more about; the joys, sorrows, everything. I spent time with my niece, and will see my other niece tonight. I've seen and talked to cousins, brothers and other loved ones.
I think that at the end of the day, its about capturing the little everyday moments that are so fleetingly normal that build to make memories and a life worth living... those sometimes agonizing moments where we seem so bored with the monotony of life that really are the special times. I'm grateful to have had all of those moments, good and bad b/c they make me who I am today, who I want to be, what I'm not and what I inspire to be.
Bottom line, I don't want to waste one second of this precious life I've been granted, ever. It's all I have.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The way I see it # 26
Ok - the quote i was trying to remember last night i yet again got on my grande cup from starbucks - (over production???)
"Failure's hard, but success if far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
- Po Bronson, Author
This is my fear, but I'm rolling ahead! :D
"Failure's hard, but success if far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
- Po Bronson, Author
This is my fear, but I'm rolling ahead! :D
Monday, February 23, 2009
Catch 22 - LIVE or live...
i'm booked for Nashville in March and freaking out about it.
i've been laying here in bed for over an hour tossing and turning wondering if this really is the road i want to go down for the next however many years of my life or if i just really want to get rid of the 'socially acceptable' crap in my life and run away and experience life for a few years first...
i'm not into money and think that we mass consumerise so much to our detriment that it ruins us. yes - it is a necessity, but there is a limit. i just can't help but think - will it ruin me? will it become so all consuming that i'll just get lost in it? is it really going to make me happy or am i chasing a pipe dream? trying to convince someone to hand over or initally invest 100K into this project especially in the market we're in is freaking me out! what happens if this bombs? i can handle the risk to my own (not that i'd be thrilled about it) but someone elses hard earned cash is something else entirely. i'm already working 2 jobs to save and live and i'm back at zero with the possibility of not having a job in 6 months (gotta love CCA/Chapter 11) so quite honestly i'm considering getting a pub waitress job just to save enough to keep this project going if i can't secure the funding and having a 'souvenier' worth $200,000+ is not something i relish, especially if i end up 'mortgageing' it if it tanks. don't even want to CONSIDER my work schedule if that happens... Trying to mentally categorize pros and cons is just overwhelming but i just can't seem to stop!
i love the quotes on the cups from starbucks, and funny i was thinking that i keep getting the same one over and over... it's a grande cup that says something like 'failure is hard, but sucess is harder - being sucessful at the wrong thing will wrap you up so tightly you'll never be able to leave it'. i think that's what terrifies me.
not the commitment part about it, but the losing of ones soul along the way. am i prepared to do that - no. but do i take the risk???
a friend once told me that some doors only open once and never again, but having the courage to go through or the wisdom to shut it is the hardest decision of all, and i am here right now. follow you heart - your dreams - but at what 'cost' - & i'm not talking about monetary here...
at this point, i have invested 11K of my own money (not like i have much here okay & this was my cushion which no longer exists...) which should i not be able to secure capital, is gone. that's enough for me to live abroad simply for 2 years while working part-time. i've told 4 people about this and none of my family which is really sad, but unfortunately i'm on my own with this one so no positive suport from that corner. of all the responses from people that 'know' T. has been the best... maybe b/c it was like a 'hug' "as long as it's your dream honey, it's mine too" - the solid support of either way it goes - i'm just panicky!
Would love a little advice from someone who's 'been there', cause i'm feeling like i just jumped off a cliff and my parachute isn't opening...
i've been laying here in bed for over an hour tossing and turning wondering if this really is the road i want to go down for the next however many years of my life or if i just really want to get rid of the 'socially acceptable' crap in my life and run away and experience life for a few years first...
i'm not into money and think that we mass consumerise so much to our detriment that it ruins us. yes - it is a necessity, but there is a limit. i just can't help but think - will it ruin me? will it become so all consuming that i'll just get lost in it? is it really going to make me happy or am i chasing a pipe dream? trying to convince someone to hand over or initally invest 100K into this project especially in the market we're in is freaking me out! what happens if this bombs? i can handle the risk to my own (not that i'd be thrilled about it) but someone elses hard earned cash is something else entirely. i'm already working 2 jobs to save and live and i'm back at zero with the possibility of not having a job in 6 months (gotta love CCA/Chapter 11) so quite honestly i'm considering getting a pub waitress job just to save enough to keep this project going if i can't secure the funding and having a 'souvenier' worth $200,000+ is not something i relish, especially if i end up 'mortgageing' it if it tanks. don't even want to CONSIDER my work schedule if that happens... Trying to mentally categorize pros and cons is just overwhelming but i just can't seem to stop!
i love the quotes on the cups from starbucks, and funny i was thinking that i keep getting the same one over and over... it's a grande cup that says something like 'failure is hard, but sucess is harder - being sucessful at the wrong thing will wrap you up so tightly you'll never be able to leave it'. i think that's what terrifies me.
not the commitment part about it, but the losing of ones soul along the way. am i prepared to do that - no. but do i take the risk???
a friend once told me that some doors only open once and never again, but having the courage to go through or the wisdom to shut it is the hardest decision of all, and i am here right now. follow you heart - your dreams - but at what 'cost' - & i'm not talking about monetary here...
at this point, i have invested 11K of my own money (not like i have much here okay & this was my cushion which no longer exists...) which should i not be able to secure capital, is gone. that's enough for me to live abroad simply for 2 years while working part-time. i've told 4 people about this and none of my family which is really sad, but unfortunately i'm on my own with this one so no positive suport from that corner. of all the responses from people that 'know' T. has been the best... maybe b/c it was like a 'hug' "as long as it's your dream honey, it's mine too" - the solid support of either way it goes - i'm just panicky!
Would love a little advice from someone who's 'been there', cause i'm feeling like i just jumped off a cliff and my parachute isn't opening...
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