I’m so happy that I got to see Kings at Sasquatch Festival at the Gorge in Washington this past spring... What a perfect venue for such a band and being 20 feet from the stage - pretty exciting stuff.
There are so many bands out there with amazing talent and albums, but when you see them live, well, what can I say but that it's a disappointment.
Not so with Kings... in fact, it's more the opposite - them Live, is a pleasure to watch, not just delivering on every song, but intensely being conscious of their fans the soul of the band really shines through – almost as if it’s recognizing the privilege to be performing in front of so many people, a pride in what they do, but humbly aware of both their roots and the fragileness of the career choice they’ve made, recognizing that it will probably one day be over, and they’ll again find their ‘paint cans’ & be painting houses.
Maybe because I’m an artist, it's about the simplicity, or the purity of live music that captures the audience along with an energy that must pervade every venue, every show, every person - it's about delivering every time, all the passion and energy and with intensity regardless of What is going on in your life, and that's exactly what they do. From the reviews from last night’s concert, it appears that that is again the case, which is a disappointment as I wasn’t there to see it.
Death rarely comes at a convenient time, and as life would have it, my Uncle keeled over with a massive heart attack Sunday night and as the family descended on Alberta for the funeral I found myself at a loss. Although I was glad that I got my money back for my amazing seats, I was torn - do I ditch the family (pre-funeral, who I love but haven't seen some in years) and go to the concert (which I didn't do...).
I find this somewhat strange because I see concerts all the time, and if I miss one well, whatever. For whatever reason, last night it was all I could do to stay at home and not go down to the dome (even in my sweats & half corked from drinking with my family) and buy a scalped ticket and go to the show... very strange, this!
I suppose it's sort of like Bon Iver (amazing - now if you haven't heard of them, LOOK them up, totally different genre, but tremendous stuff… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePatJIwB-sI).
Caleb somehow, cocky and arrogant yet almost meekly manages to reach out and grab you by the scruff of the neck and pulls you so close with his lyrics that he dares you to look into his eyes and into his soul, to taste the passion and anger; to smell the sweat and feel the power of being so close... It’s a raw passion which they perform show after show, album after album and every few songs, flick a much coveted pick into a crowd of adoring fans; it’s what I aspire to do with my music, and few have.
Maybe it's because in some strange way I can relate to facets of them... being raised in a religious family before 'finding music', growing up in a 'hick-town' where no one expects you to go anywhere; from being emotionally beaten up by an ex or having no outlet except music along with a brother who is far more talented than I, that gets that part of me... I don't know but its heady stuff. Whatever the case, for as much as has happened in my life this year, even 50 years from now, KOL will be the theme song for 2009, for me.
So for a first show in Calgary, people didn't really know... didn't see Kings outside of a couple of songs religiously played on the radio, but after last night, I believe you got our attention, more collectively.
Kings, are here to stay.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
So you think you're having a bad day...
If you are, read on and feel much better! I'm going to try and write this in a positive note or funny one (if I can manage to) so when i think things are going wrong in the futre it will either be an inspiration for writing or to appreciate how good of a day I'm actually having at the time.
I do want to preface today with yesterday which was a great night with friends... BBQ, hot tub, photoshoot in the afternoon for my portfolio... My photographer T. is amazing and I felt pretty pumped afterwards and went for a 9K jog - so pretty good.
This morning, in the still pumped mode, decide to get up at 5:30 and go for a run but hit snooze b/c it was still way too dark so get out the door by 6AM and jog 6K and do a pilates work-out as well. Jump in the shower, get ready for work - feeling sexy and full of energy and b/c I'm running a few minutes late, forget my day-book at home with my LIFE in it.
Stop in at Starbucks to grab my Americano and cash a $20 so I have change for the train and head on down MacLeod Trail. It's at this point that I see the flashing lights and not sure Why the officer is pulling me over, I pull over and park and a bit bewildered wait for him to approach my window.
So standard procedure; license and registration speal to which I realize that both my registration and insurance paperwork is in my day-book at home. At this point, the officer informs me that he pulled me over b/c my car registration is expired as of July 31st and I'm totally dumbfounded that I possibly could have forgotten to do this but never got the renewal form so didn't think of it. Why the address wasn't updated is beyond me, but considering my year, it's not suprising that I've forgotten to do it.
So. Driving around with No Registration & No Insurance.
The officer goes back to his truck with my license (he's actually really nice, so this is a plus) to check it, and meanwhile I call in late to work and after this, receive phone call stating that my Uncle died yesterday of a massive heart attack.
So the officer comes back to my car requesting a phone number so that he can phone my insurance company to verify I do have insurance (which truth be told was really nice b/c they usually are dinks and don't care...) and trying to keep my composure (I Hate crying especially in front of people) I've found an old temporary card with the phone number and an address that doesn't match either my license or the registration on the plate... ackward explaining my moving around to avoid my ex-husband over the past year and a half... & why I haven't switched my license over to my new address yet; goes back to truck as i sit in my car in tears...
long and short, he gives me one ticket for $230.00 out of a possible four totalling over $950, plus car tow and court date. I'm relived at this point but now have a mess of make-up as he tells me that I need to get this taken care of today and if I get pulled over today (again) that the possibility is for the whole same senario all over and more tickets.
So my uncle is dead and now my family is on their way into town. Again.
Work goes okay once I actually get there (nearly hour and half late) - don't have too much to do, so working on my MT vocabulary. Get phone call from friend cancelling going to a concert on Thursday which I've been looking forward to for months that I actually forgot to pick-up my tickets from ticket-master... So now realizing I've got extra tickets and may not be able to go i'm a bit choked, but... hey - it's a funeral right?
Work is over, so I'm off home to get my insurance and registration to renew, (you know how they say things happen in 3's???) find out i have an $80 ticket issued on June 2nd. First I hear of it - they don't take any credit cards... diving a bit deeper in to my Europe money. Okay, so car is registered again. (add in re-registration fee - ching ching)...
Get phone call from ex-husband and he's got my paperwork for registration (how wonderfully convenient...), a bill for $115 from an MRI that got sent to him instead of me back in JANUARY that's now painfully over due (really~) and to see about going to dinner to work things out with our marriage. Of course this makes Complete sense because WE'RE DIVORCED!
It's been an incredibly emotional day to which I'm happy to say i kept my composure through the majority of (with the exception of the 'death call' this morning) but about to lose it.
And I don't.
i just feel done - like life beat the crap out of me today. I am grateful that I never have to repeat today & I can chalk it up to another bit of life-lessons but it still sucks.
I figure it can only go up from here, and off to meet a bunch of girl-friends for a 'send-off' for my friend K. who's moving to Austraila next week.
Girls night otta pick me up - I hope!
Anyways, tomorrow's a new day - looking forward to it: single, beautiful and full of Hope.
I do want to preface today with yesterday which was a great night with friends... BBQ, hot tub, photoshoot in the afternoon for my portfolio... My photographer T. is amazing and I felt pretty pumped afterwards and went for a 9K jog - so pretty good.
This morning, in the still pumped mode, decide to get up at 5:30 and go for a run but hit snooze b/c it was still way too dark so get out the door by 6AM and jog 6K and do a pilates work-out as well. Jump in the shower, get ready for work - feeling sexy and full of energy and b/c I'm running a few minutes late, forget my day-book at home with my LIFE in it.
Stop in at Starbucks to grab my Americano and cash a $20 so I have change for the train and head on down MacLeod Trail. It's at this point that I see the flashing lights and not sure Why the officer is pulling me over, I pull over and park and a bit bewildered wait for him to approach my window.
So standard procedure; license and registration speal to which I realize that both my registration and insurance paperwork is in my day-book at home. At this point, the officer informs me that he pulled me over b/c my car registration is expired as of July 31st and I'm totally dumbfounded that I possibly could have forgotten to do this but never got the renewal form so didn't think of it. Why the address wasn't updated is beyond me, but considering my year, it's not suprising that I've forgotten to do it.
So. Driving around with No Registration & No Insurance.
The officer goes back to his truck with my license (he's actually really nice, so this is a plus) to check it, and meanwhile I call in late to work and after this, receive phone call stating that my Uncle died yesterday of a massive heart attack.
So the officer comes back to my car requesting a phone number so that he can phone my insurance company to verify I do have insurance (which truth be told was really nice b/c they usually are dinks and don't care...) and trying to keep my composure (I Hate crying especially in front of people) I've found an old temporary card with the phone number and an address that doesn't match either my license or the registration on the plate... ackward explaining my moving around to avoid my ex-husband over the past year and a half... & why I haven't switched my license over to my new address yet; goes back to truck as i sit in my car in tears...
long and short, he gives me one ticket for $230.00 out of a possible four totalling over $950, plus car tow and court date. I'm relived at this point but now have a mess of make-up as he tells me that I need to get this taken care of today and if I get pulled over today (again) that the possibility is for the whole same senario all over and more tickets.
So my uncle is dead and now my family is on their way into town. Again.
Work goes okay once I actually get there (nearly hour and half late) - don't have too much to do, so working on my MT vocabulary. Get phone call from friend cancelling going to a concert on Thursday which I've been looking forward to for months that I actually forgot to pick-up my tickets from ticket-master... So now realizing I've got extra tickets and may not be able to go i'm a bit choked, but... hey - it's a funeral right?
Work is over, so I'm off home to get my insurance and registration to renew, (you know how they say things happen in 3's???) find out i have an $80 ticket issued on June 2nd. First I hear of it - they don't take any credit cards... diving a bit deeper in to my Europe money. Okay, so car is registered again. (add in re-registration fee - ching ching)...
Get phone call from ex-husband and he's got my paperwork for registration (how wonderfully convenient...), a bill for $115 from an MRI that got sent to him instead of me back in JANUARY that's now painfully over due (really~) and to see about going to dinner to work things out with our marriage. Of course this makes Complete sense because WE'RE DIVORCED!
It's been an incredibly emotional day to which I'm happy to say i kept my composure through the majority of (with the exception of the 'death call' this morning) but about to lose it.
And I don't.
i just feel done - like life beat the crap out of me today. I am grateful that I never have to repeat today & I can chalk it up to another bit of life-lessons but it still sucks.
I figure it can only go up from here, and off to meet a bunch of girl-friends for a 'send-off' for my friend K. who's moving to Austraila next week.
Girls night otta pick me up - I hope!
Anyways, tomorrow's a new day - looking forward to it: single, beautiful and full of Hope.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
busy busy busy!
A few months have gone by and I'm still sitting in my 'open concept' office on the 10th floor of DT Calgary trying to figure out which route in life to take as the gloominess of August lingers on... Have had some clairification (which is always a good thing) regarding my music and recording. Turns out that my 'producer' is a middle man and although the money raising is done, the prospect of not having a well placed marketing team ready is beyond what I'm willing to risk, especially with that much (of someone elses money) on the line.
So, at the advice of a good friend, (skrewed over artist by this producer who is now touring with new band and a Wealth of information) I'm honing my skills and continuing to play and write - finding out what exactly makes my music / sound / image unique enough to go the distance once I start 'running'. Soon enough I say! It's something I'll always have.
Have moved to new house, and started school. As I'm "working" FT with no work, which is affording me plenty of time for study (nice!) which is contributing to a 98% average. Very excited b/c at this rate, I'll be finished 4 months early and hopefully working both my current job and transcribing at the same time for a bit - save up a bit of a cushion before jumping off. Ooo and talked to my brother about Mexico - both bro's and their wives are looking to move down south semi-permantly which means free place to crash! They're buying a boat. *bliss...
Off to drive through Spain in a few weeks, hang out in Dublin for the weekend and a quick jaunt to England - first time to Europe, so very excited about it.
Finishing two bridesmaids dresses (from hell I say) for a wedding next weekend which will be beautiful but wishing it was a bit more organized... last minute is NOT the way to go! Have done quite a bit of designing lately - a few costumes, a wedding dress, and a stellar rain coat. Photo-shoot on Sunday (had amazing audition with a casting director from Vancouver) and being submitted for principle role in up coming movie - (biting nails!!!)
Running 9K every other day, and feeling so amazing, strong... Ran into ex-husband at a party 1500 miles away and (well fancy that...) decides that he want's me back - "what can I do to make you trust me..." hmmmm Never saw that one coming, besides being, oh a year or two late.
Just really enjoying being me, traveling - the adventure of 'running-away' with a back pack for a month or two; having the freedom to do what I please, when I please - meeting new people and doing new things.
It's like getting a new lease on life; a second chance; insert other cliche here... it's just a blessing I never thought to posess again but all the sweeter b/c I'm mature, and have a bit of money and no real responsibilities.
Life is good!
So, at the advice of a good friend, (skrewed over artist by this producer who is now touring with new band and a Wealth of information) I'm honing my skills and continuing to play and write - finding out what exactly makes my music / sound / image unique enough to go the distance once I start 'running'. Soon enough I say! It's something I'll always have.
Have moved to new house, and started school. As I'm "working" FT with no work, which is affording me plenty of time for study (nice!) which is contributing to a 98% average. Very excited b/c at this rate, I'll be finished 4 months early and hopefully working both my current job and transcribing at the same time for a bit - save up a bit of a cushion before jumping off. Ooo and talked to my brother about Mexico - both bro's and their wives are looking to move down south semi-permantly which means free place to crash! They're buying a boat. *bliss...
Off to drive through Spain in a few weeks, hang out in Dublin for the weekend and a quick jaunt to England - first time to Europe, so very excited about it.
Finishing two bridesmaids dresses (from hell I say) for a wedding next weekend which will be beautiful but wishing it was a bit more organized... last minute is NOT the way to go! Have done quite a bit of designing lately - a few costumes, a wedding dress, and a stellar rain coat. Photo-shoot on Sunday (had amazing audition with a casting director from Vancouver) and being submitted for principle role in up coming movie - (biting nails!!!)
Running 9K every other day, and feeling so amazing, strong... Ran into ex-husband at a party 1500 miles away and (well fancy that...) decides that he want's me back - "what can I do to make you trust me..." hmmmm Never saw that one coming, besides being, oh a year or two late.
Just really enjoying being me, traveling - the adventure of 'running-away' with a back pack for a month or two; having the freedom to do what I please, when I please - meeting new people and doing new things.
It's like getting a new lease on life; a second chance; insert other cliche here... it's just a blessing I never thought to posess again but all the sweeter b/c I'm mature, and have a bit of money and no real responsibilities.
Life is good!
Friday, April 10, 2009
'Scotch'
I find it incredible how quickly life can change - how beliefs, views, ideas, ideals and pespectives can change overnight; in a split second sometimes. How quickly everything you know can come shattering down on the floor in pieces and by the time you see them your at a point where you don't know which ones you should be picking up and which ones you need to leave on the floor for a while, or discard permanantly. It's where I am now and I've never been here, so I'm not sure how to be, so i'm figuring that out day by day, sometimes by the hour or minute.
My life is again up in the air and I can't see very much past the present, but i'm okay with that only because i can recognize so clearly where i am now, and have an idea where i want to go. I have to work on not streching mysellf so thin over all the things I want to do that I get lost - now this, is a challange!
I never thought the bitterness of my divorce (which is now final) and my ex-husband would ever go away, but it has. I'm not sure what exactly made me see that, but it's good. I think part of it was recognizing that it didn't matter, and at the end of the day it was only hurting me. A friend of mine said it this way: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. we all know that it only posions the one drinking it so i decided i wasn't going to drink it anymore, and i've been so much calmer, more at peace than i ever have been. That happened 4 days ago, and I still feel that way - it's new, but it's good. I don't think that will change.
I've been stupid, and childish and more often than not let my emotions have more control than i should ever let them, and i hurt not only myself but the ones i care most about. it's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is at this point and i need to change that - am working on changing that.
So what have i been up to since feb... Met 'Scotch' in person, and fell harder than i already had for him. Had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun - ate horrible food at all my favorite places except the Grizzly house (which he chose, where I had never been & it was actually the worst...) cooked, tried new things, bought my Jane (my guitar), played x-box together... and died inside when he was done with me, or thought he was done with me and i screwed it up, hurt him and myself with a stupid comment b/c I was so hurt and will probably never talk or see eachother again, which i have mixed feelings about. It was as if he was always here, like I had always known him and then just one day he was gone. It was the most amazingly awful feeling I've ever had - like loosing my best friend. Wierd, but true. It's a type of connection I've never had with anyone - wouldn't say that it was 'love' in the traditional sense, but a connection that was un-shakable, that I think I'll always have. I think that the specific situation how things ended, that i realized that i let my emotions have way too much control, and i have to use my head more - or not be so spontanious about situations like that, to think things thru before I do or say Anything (this, I get from my mother... thank goodness it's not as bad as how she is...) especially when i'm hurt, but it also takes two to figure it out, so I am passing a bit of the blame for that.
My family and some friends are angry with me b/c of this whole situation with 'Scotch' - but at the end of the day, my heart is bleeding red again; pure, unadulturated red. i've been so numb for so long - so bitter, so angry i didn't realize that it wasn't bleeding at all or if it was, it was bleeding black; so i'm grateful for that. I just hate that I had to learn it this way.
'Scotch' inspired me to be better, to believe in myself - to look at life differently. I've never had so much creative inspiration before and have written 2 amazing new songs, taking better care of myself and dreaming big, but good. Made me realize how klutzy I am physically and emotionally too, but thats me. I have a big heart that gets brusied easy b/c when i open it, i don't hold anything back which I realize I need to learn to do until it's safe; and when i get hurt, I don't think so clearly, i react and that's not good. I have no idea how to do this, at all. I don't know how to learn how to do that, but i have to, for everyones sake! :p The friends that I have closest to me get this about me - as skrewed up as this may sound, i'm loyal, fiercely protective of them, supportive, will be there in a heart-beat if they need me - wherever in the world i'd have to go, and i'm blunt - I won't ever lie or make excuses (okay, well sometimes I make excuses, but they call me on it - all the time...) I don't let many people in, but once you're in... skrewy, but me.
I've cut out caffine, and with the exception of a few shots, have been 'free' for 3 weeks now which is awesome. Cut out drinking as well - well, a lot of drinking - not completely: i like my wine! I've cut out the negative influences in my life as hard as that's been and no matter how much I love some of those people, I can't have that kind of judgemetal and selfish attitude affect how I feel about myself and my future. I'm downsizing everything I own and getting rid of whatever i can't take with me wherever i go. I've applied for school and waiting to hear back from admissions so i'm pretty excited about that. If I get in, i'll be here until next May, but if not, I'm off someplace. Curtis (my bro) is teaching me guitar in addition to learning online. I'm catching onto French again pretty quickly and enjoying it immensly (I need to remember how to spell.... gr) I'm going to try and go to Thailand this fall and visit my friends there. They suggested getting the TESOL course before I come if i want to stay & I won't need a degree - gotta love connections... so I'm checking that out. Working out more than i have in years - and it's positively BLISSFUL!!!!
Maybe I won't ever be a famous songwrighter or musician, but I'll always have music, I'll always be me and I'm okay with that. I only have to be good enough for me with whatever it is that i'm doing. I don't need money or fame or any of those superficial things. I just want to have few regrets, b/c I know i'll always have some - whether planned or not, so its inescapable but part of it is thinking before acting / re-acting. I want great friends (which I have, minus the one that will always hold a very special place in my heart wherever he is, whatever he does), great memories, great adventures and eventually someone to share that with, but I'm in no rush for that. I know I'll never settle for anyone who doesn't see all of me - the good parts, the messy parts, my dreams, my fears, my talents and my scars and recognize that it's all a part of me and still love me. I want something real, tangable, passionate, intense and beautiful because that's what I am - all messed up together but me.
Whatever happens, I know i'm gonna be okay. I am.
My life is again up in the air and I can't see very much past the present, but i'm okay with that only because i can recognize so clearly where i am now, and have an idea where i want to go. I have to work on not streching mysellf so thin over all the things I want to do that I get lost - now this, is a challange!
I never thought the bitterness of my divorce (which is now final) and my ex-husband would ever go away, but it has. I'm not sure what exactly made me see that, but it's good. I think part of it was recognizing that it didn't matter, and at the end of the day it was only hurting me. A friend of mine said it this way: holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. we all know that it only posions the one drinking it so i decided i wasn't going to drink it anymore, and i've been so much calmer, more at peace than i ever have been. That happened 4 days ago, and I still feel that way - it's new, but it's good. I don't think that will change.
I've been stupid, and childish and more often than not let my emotions have more control than i should ever let them, and i hurt not only myself but the ones i care most about. it's not right, it's not fair, but it is what it is at this point and i need to change that - am working on changing that.
So what have i been up to since feb... Met 'Scotch' in person, and fell harder than i already had for him. Had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun - ate horrible food at all my favorite places except the Grizzly house (which he chose, where I had never been & it was actually the worst...) cooked, tried new things, bought my Jane (my guitar), played x-box together... and died inside when he was done with me, or thought he was done with me and i screwed it up, hurt him and myself with a stupid comment b/c I was so hurt and will probably never talk or see eachother again, which i have mixed feelings about. It was as if he was always here, like I had always known him and then just one day he was gone. It was the most amazingly awful feeling I've ever had - like loosing my best friend. Wierd, but true. It's a type of connection I've never had with anyone - wouldn't say that it was 'love' in the traditional sense, but a connection that was un-shakable, that I think I'll always have. I think that the specific situation how things ended, that i realized that i let my emotions have way too much control, and i have to use my head more - or not be so spontanious about situations like that, to think things thru before I do or say Anything (this, I get from my mother... thank goodness it's not as bad as how she is...) especially when i'm hurt, but it also takes two to figure it out, so I am passing a bit of the blame for that.
My family and some friends are angry with me b/c of this whole situation with 'Scotch' - but at the end of the day, my heart is bleeding red again; pure, unadulturated red. i've been so numb for so long - so bitter, so angry i didn't realize that it wasn't bleeding at all or if it was, it was bleeding black; so i'm grateful for that. I just hate that I had to learn it this way.
'Scotch' inspired me to be better, to believe in myself - to look at life differently. I've never had so much creative inspiration before and have written 2 amazing new songs, taking better care of myself and dreaming big, but good. Made me realize how klutzy I am physically and emotionally too, but thats me. I have a big heart that gets brusied easy b/c when i open it, i don't hold anything back which I realize I need to learn to do until it's safe; and when i get hurt, I don't think so clearly, i react and that's not good. I have no idea how to do this, at all. I don't know how to learn how to do that, but i have to, for everyones sake! :p The friends that I have closest to me get this about me - as skrewed up as this may sound, i'm loyal, fiercely protective of them, supportive, will be there in a heart-beat if they need me - wherever in the world i'd have to go, and i'm blunt - I won't ever lie or make excuses (okay, well sometimes I make excuses, but they call me on it - all the time...) I don't let many people in, but once you're in... skrewy, but me.
I've cut out caffine, and with the exception of a few shots, have been 'free' for 3 weeks now which is awesome. Cut out drinking as well - well, a lot of drinking - not completely: i like my wine! I've cut out the negative influences in my life as hard as that's been and no matter how much I love some of those people, I can't have that kind of judgemetal and selfish attitude affect how I feel about myself and my future. I'm downsizing everything I own and getting rid of whatever i can't take with me wherever i go. I've applied for school and waiting to hear back from admissions so i'm pretty excited about that. If I get in, i'll be here until next May, but if not, I'm off someplace. Curtis (my bro) is teaching me guitar in addition to learning online. I'm catching onto French again pretty quickly and enjoying it immensly (I need to remember how to spell.... gr) I'm going to try and go to Thailand this fall and visit my friends there. They suggested getting the TESOL course before I come if i want to stay & I won't need a degree - gotta love connections... so I'm checking that out. Working out more than i have in years - and it's positively BLISSFUL!!!!
Maybe I won't ever be a famous songwrighter or musician, but I'll always have music, I'll always be me and I'm okay with that. I only have to be good enough for me with whatever it is that i'm doing. I don't need money or fame or any of those superficial things. I just want to have few regrets, b/c I know i'll always have some - whether planned or not, so its inescapable but part of it is thinking before acting / re-acting. I want great friends (which I have, minus the one that will always hold a very special place in my heart wherever he is, whatever he does), great memories, great adventures and eventually someone to share that with, but I'm in no rush for that. I know I'll never settle for anyone who doesn't see all of me - the good parts, the messy parts, my dreams, my fears, my talents and my scars and recognize that it's all a part of me and still love me. I want something real, tangable, passionate, intense and beautiful because that's what I am - all messed up together but me.
Whatever happens, I know i'm gonna be okay. I am.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Grateful.
Its 2:17 P.M. and i'm taking a bit of time to reflect on what i'm so truly grateful for.
It's been a tumultuous few days for the family. My nephew's wife - beautiful, young and so in love, was killed on Wednesday morning on her way to work when her car spun out of control, crossed a median and was hit by a gravel truck. She was 19. Family has been pouring in from all over the country for her funeral. The viewing is actually happening today, she'll be buried tomorrow and the memorial service will be held on Sunday - what would have been they're first wedding anniversary. Truly heart-breaking.
Its hard to make sense of life sometimes; all the whys, what-ifs, and why nots, but all the questioning in the world will never bring her back and it breaks my heart; it also invariably makes me question my own circumstances - if I knew that today was my last day would I be happy with what I've done with not just today, but my life so-far?
Beg's consideration.
And so, i'm here, at my favorite starbucks drinking my favorite calorie laden drink listeing to the crooning of the album playing - it seems to be compilation of Dean Martin, Ella, Billie and others which are my favorites. I hugged both my parent today and told them I loved them, (they drove 1200 miles to be here and got in at 4 this morning); mom and I actually sat and had a (depressingly) frank conversation about age - how in 2046 she'll be 100, and I'll be older than she is now... it seems so far away, and yet so short a time. A proverb says 'man, born of woman is short lived and glutted with agitation' - so true but depressing. Motivates me to be less 'glutted with agitation' and determined to see life as the glass half full.
I found someone I want to know more and more about; the joys, sorrows, everything. I spent time with my niece, and will see my other niece tonight. I've seen and talked to cousins, brothers and other loved ones.
I think that at the end of the day, its about capturing the little everyday moments that are so fleetingly normal that build to make memories and a life worth living... those sometimes agonizing moments where we seem so bored with the monotony of life that really are the special times. I'm grateful to have had all of those moments, good and bad b/c they make me who I am today, who I want to be, what I'm not and what I inspire to be.
Bottom line, I don't want to waste one second of this precious life I've been granted, ever. It's all I have.
It's been a tumultuous few days for the family. My nephew's wife - beautiful, young and so in love, was killed on Wednesday morning on her way to work when her car spun out of control, crossed a median and was hit by a gravel truck. She was 19. Family has been pouring in from all over the country for her funeral. The viewing is actually happening today, she'll be buried tomorrow and the memorial service will be held on Sunday - what would have been they're first wedding anniversary. Truly heart-breaking.
Its hard to make sense of life sometimes; all the whys, what-ifs, and why nots, but all the questioning in the world will never bring her back and it breaks my heart; it also invariably makes me question my own circumstances - if I knew that today was my last day would I be happy with what I've done with not just today, but my life so-far?
Beg's consideration.
And so, i'm here, at my favorite starbucks drinking my favorite calorie laden drink listeing to the crooning of the album playing - it seems to be compilation of Dean Martin, Ella, Billie and others which are my favorites. I hugged both my parent today and told them I loved them, (they drove 1200 miles to be here and got in at 4 this morning); mom and I actually sat and had a (depressingly) frank conversation about age - how in 2046 she'll be 100, and I'll be older than she is now... it seems so far away, and yet so short a time. A proverb says 'man, born of woman is short lived and glutted with agitation' - so true but depressing. Motivates me to be less 'glutted with agitation' and determined to see life as the glass half full.
I found someone I want to know more and more about; the joys, sorrows, everything. I spent time with my niece, and will see my other niece tonight. I've seen and talked to cousins, brothers and other loved ones.
I think that at the end of the day, its about capturing the little everyday moments that are so fleetingly normal that build to make memories and a life worth living... those sometimes agonizing moments where we seem so bored with the monotony of life that really are the special times. I'm grateful to have had all of those moments, good and bad b/c they make me who I am today, who I want to be, what I'm not and what I inspire to be.
Bottom line, I don't want to waste one second of this precious life I've been granted, ever. It's all I have.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The way I see it # 26
Ok - the quote i was trying to remember last night i yet again got on my grande cup from starbucks - (over production???)
"Failure's hard, but success if far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
- Po Bronson, Author
This is my fear, but I'm rolling ahead! :D
"Failure's hard, but success if far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
- Po Bronson, Author
This is my fear, but I'm rolling ahead! :D
Monday, February 23, 2009
Catch 22 - LIVE or live...
i'm booked for Nashville in March and freaking out about it.
i've been laying here in bed for over an hour tossing and turning wondering if this really is the road i want to go down for the next however many years of my life or if i just really want to get rid of the 'socially acceptable' crap in my life and run away and experience life for a few years first...
i'm not into money and think that we mass consumerise so much to our detriment that it ruins us. yes - it is a necessity, but there is a limit. i just can't help but think - will it ruin me? will it become so all consuming that i'll just get lost in it? is it really going to make me happy or am i chasing a pipe dream? trying to convince someone to hand over or initally invest 100K into this project especially in the market we're in is freaking me out! what happens if this bombs? i can handle the risk to my own (not that i'd be thrilled about it) but someone elses hard earned cash is something else entirely. i'm already working 2 jobs to save and live and i'm back at zero with the possibility of not having a job in 6 months (gotta love CCA/Chapter 11) so quite honestly i'm considering getting a pub waitress job just to save enough to keep this project going if i can't secure the funding and having a 'souvenier' worth $200,000+ is not something i relish, especially if i end up 'mortgageing' it if it tanks. don't even want to CONSIDER my work schedule if that happens... Trying to mentally categorize pros and cons is just overwhelming but i just can't seem to stop!
i love the quotes on the cups from starbucks, and funny i was thinking that i keep getting the same one over and over... it's a grande cup that says something like 'failure is hard, but sucess is harder - being sucessful at the wrong thing will wrap you up so tightly you'll never be able to leave it'. i think that's what terrifies me.
not the commitment part about it, but the losing of ones soul along the way. am i prepared to do that - no. but do i take the risk???
a friend once told me that some doors only open once and never again, but having the courage to go through or the wisdom to shut it is the hardest decision of all, and i am here right now. follow you heart - your dreams - but at what 'cost' - & i'm not talking about monetary here...
at this point, i have invested 11K of my own money (not like i have much here okay & this was my cushion which no longer exists...) which should i not be able to secure capital, is gone. that's enough for me to live abroad simply for 2 years while working part-time. i've told 4 people about this and none of my family which is really sad, but unfortunately i'm on my own with this one so no positive suport from that corner. of all the responses from people that 'know' T. has been the best... maybe b/c it was like a 'hug' "as long as it's your dream honey, it's mine too" - the solid support of either way it goes - i'm just panicky!
Would love a little advice from someone who's 'been there', cause i'm feeling like i just jumped off a cliff and my parachute isn't opening...
i've been laying here in bed for over an hour tossing and turning wondering if this really is the road i want to go down for the next however many years of my life or if i just really want to get rid of the 'socially acceptable' crap in my life and run away and experience life for a few years first...
i'm not into money and think that we mass consumerise so much to our detriment that it ruins us. yes - it is a necessity, but there is a limit. i just can't help but think - will it ruin me? will it become so all consuming that i'll just get lost in it? is it really going to make me happy or am i chasing a pipe dream? trying to convince someone to hand over or initally invest 100K into this project especially in the market we're in is freaking me out! what happens if this bombs? i can handle the risk to my own (not that i'd be thrilled about it) but someone elses hard earned cash is something else entirely. i'm already working 2 jobs to save and live and i'm back at zero with the possibility of not having a job in 6 months (gotta love CCA/Chapter 11) so quite honestly i'm considering getting a pub waitress job just to save enough to keep this project going if i can't secure the funding and having a 'souvenier' worth $200,000+ is not something i relish, especially if i end up 'mortgageing' it if it tanks. don't even want to CONSIDER my work schedule if that happens... Trying to mentally categorize pros and cons is just overwhelming but i just can't seem to stop!
i love the quotes on the cups from starbucks, and funny i was thinking that i keep getting the same one over and over... it's a grande cup that says something like 'failure is hard, but sucess is harder - being sucessful at the wrong thing will wrap you up so tightly you'll never be able to leave it'. i think that's what terrifies me.
not the commitment part about it, but the losing of ones soul along the way. am i prepared to do that - no. but do i take the risk???
a friend once told me that some doors only open once and never again, but having the courage to go through or the wisdom to shut it is the hardest decision of all, and i am here right now. follow you heart - your dreams - but at what 'cost' - & i'm not talking about monetary here...
at this point, i have invested 11K of my own money (not like i have much here okay & this was my cushion which no longer exists...) which should i not be able to secure capital, is gone. that's enough for me to live abroad simply for 2 years while working part-time. i've told 4 people about this and none of my family which is really sad, but unfortunately i'm on my own with this one so no positive suport from that corner. of all the responses from people that 'know' T. has been the best... maybe b/c it was like a 'hug' "as long as it's your dream honey, it's mine too" - the solid support of either way it goes - i'm just panicky!
Would love a little advice from someone who's 'been there', cause i'm feeling like i just jumped off a cliff and my parachute isn't opening...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Vitamin D
not sure how the hell i attract so many men (look - i'm not complaining) but it sure makes it hard to figure out what to do about it. trouble is that i'm not attracted to very many and i think i have a penchant for jerks... (again - not sure why this is: bad-boy complex??)
D - wonderful, sweet, gorgeous, built, sexy, asks me out EVERY day and 'suprise'! not interested... i Cannot for the life of me figure this out except to say that there are a few nagging mannerisms that remind me of my ex and that's enough for me to run... Currently trying to convince me that all i need is 'vitamin Dee to cure it all' - cheezy but...
what to do... *sigh...
D - wonderful, sweet, gorgeous, built, sexy, asks me out EVERY day and 'suprise'! not interested... i Cannot for the life of me figure this out except to say that there are a few nagging mannerisms that remind me of my ex and that's enough for me to run... Currently trying to convince me that all i need is 'vitamin Dee to cure it all' - cheezy but...
what to do... *sigh...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
my simple aspirations...
crazy thing... my biggest aspiration in life was to be a wife and a mom... it still is. my husband took both of those things away from me and life is happening... and i'm not sure where it's going to take me - either way... having a crazy gypsy adventure running away to another country for a year or two or more... or if in a million to one chance - actually i've got more odds of winning the lottery than succeeding in the music industry but one step at a time the odds are getting better...
if i had the world laid at my feet i'd give it all up just to have a man love me for who i am and to have babies... rich or poor.
amazing how we get what we don't want and sometimes we'll never have what we really want even when its so simple.
if i had the world laid at my feet i'd give it all up just to have a man love me for who i am and to have babies... rich or poor.
amazing how we get what we don't want and sometimes we'll never have what we really want even when its so simple.
Nashville? Next month??? Seriously??? :O
tonight, i think everything changed - had thought about this so much and now that i've gotten the ball rolling it up and turned on me and my song writing & my voice is actually getting noticed which is awesome, but kinda hitting me from left field. the fact that i will probably be in nashville next month and am rounding up money, getting investors and working with an amazing song writer to tweek some of my stuff and he's writing stuff for me is blowing me away. i'm stunned actually that the reality is that i will have an album finished by the end of september with marketing started for a spring 10' launch is enough to make me jump up and down with excitement... national deal - a record label wants me - i'm speechless... i'm seriously just OMGoodness speechless...
Saturday, February 14, 2009
smile memories
so here i am in starbucks/chapters ( i like being a local...) my 'zen' spot on valentines night happy this year; (content is more fitting i think) but after a day with much tears much reflection i'm quietly reviewing the past few years and recognizing how absolutly fortunate, lucky, blessed, 'karma'd' i've been and am to be where i am. i lost my soul for a while; gave it up to make someone else happy which in turn sapped every ounce of me out until i was nothing but a shell - a hollow representation of a strong, confident woman reduced to nothing.
It's harder for me to try and understand how being faithful to my husband as long as I did when he was so emotionally & mentally abusive - who wouldn't even touch me or kiss me or even talk to me for weeks on end unless we were with friends gave me the strength to stay faithful even if for only myself - my own pride, self-worth and my own value. I'm so glad i held that sacred to myself which helped me move on, knowing my worth.
i think that i've finally been able to grasp the concept of what love really means - that long term forever love, being patient, being kind - it isn't making excuses for un-excusable behavior, convincing yourself to love someone, trying to convince yourself that they love you or them that they love you... it isn't what love is or anything close to what that is. love is seeing someone for who they are - really are at their worst, their best - knowing their hopes and dreams - their darkest fears and wildest dreams - accepting that they will always do little things that irritate the hell out of you, but still make your heart stop when they walk into a room and look at you and considering that sometimes you hate eachother but that you would never give any of it up for anything. it's knowing all of these things and recognizing that you still want to be with them because of that honest connection that goes both ways - letting someone in to see who you really are and wanting to be with that person despite it all and knowing they want to be with you too.
That's love. faults and all. it's this kind of love that i'm waiting for b/c i know that it's out there somewhere and that i really am 'top-shelf' worth it, even if i am a little crazy ( i blame my eccentric musician grandfather / great-grandfathers for that... i'm a musican too...), and corny and i laugh too much, but i love to laugh. it's been rusty for so long i forgot how it sounded, but i found it and my 'genuine' smile this past year in november and i love it. every day is a bit more happiness, a bit more joy in every single little moment that i have being me again.
i actually forgot how many things i loved that got lost along the way - simple things really - like the smell of earth after the rain starts - the clouds, neither blue nor grey and heavy with rain... that built up pressure & intenseness that seems to hang heady in the air which streches charged, almost tangy with unshed electricity, quiet yet everything so crisp, so alive. the grass stands at attention waiting, full of anticipation for the intoxicating drink about to be served roots relentlessly primed, reaching for the blissful release about to come - the absolute stillness before that first low rumble in the distance and just as it starts, the dry parched earth slowly drinking in the water, streching itself out and releasing the smell of earth - the beginning of life, of sustinance. i miss walking in the rain - being drenched in that coolness, enlivened as all senses are peaked, surrounded by the vibrance of life.
i miss creating, and cooking. my grandmother taught me how to cook and passed along a love of both food and family the two things that become irrivocably intertwined along with the laughter and tears that being together is. i miss her. she died when i was about 11 and i'll never forget how angry i was at her dying. it was almost a 'how dare you leave' type of anger.
i remember her laughter, her kindness, her smile... the smell of her kitchen - the warmth that always permiated through even if it was minus 40 outside - how she always loved us kids helping even if we were more hassle than help.
grandmas kitchen... my happiest memories growing up were there. a place to escape my brothers, homework, the never ending piano practice, my childish worries that were the 'end of my world that week'. i suppose that's why i love cooking so much - it reminds me of her and whenever i'm stressed, upset, worried, angry & yes happy too - guess where i am???
last march my office had fresh creations of some sort weekly and sometimes daily... i actually at one point had no room in my fridge or freezer. i guess it's my way of being close to her even if she's no longer here, and always invariably find myself in the cook-book section of any book-store i find myself in.
It's kind of funny actually - when i was little there were always grown-ups telling me how much i looked like my grandma and i always thought that was just 'awful' because she was old! and well, everyone older than you when you're 5 & 6 is 'old'. this past visit my parents made, they brought a photo album for my 6-year-old niece Jada for a history of our side of the family and it had pictures of my grandmother when she was 16, 17 - just before she met my grandfather and they got married...
she was so beautiful... i hadn't ever seen those old photos before (and still waiting for copies...). she loved to laugh too and my greatest wish would be for just one day to spend with her now, as an adult. to know her - to hear the stories first hand... how she loved & lived with a man for 53 years that never bothered to learn english fully & who loved to drink; how she raised 4 hell-bent boys pretty much on her own; how she found happiness even if she was basiclly an orphan - where she learned to cook, where she learned to garden... i've never know such a stong woman - a woman that the entire family talks about and misses. i think in many ways we lived parallel lives to a point, only my husband got a visectamy w/o talking to me and divorce is now an option and i'm single whereas she stuck it out and learned to be happy. i'm trying, but much of the time i feel as if i'm still grasping at it, waiting for someone to see me - all of me and not just the 'icing'. She's the one woman i will always aspire to be like.
Slowly, i'm building new memories, testing out my ability to bleed red again while waiting for a kiss 'that will end the world as i know it' and becoming whole again and finding MY happiness where ever and whatever that is. slowly, it Will come.
It's harder for me to try and understand how being faithful to my husband as long as I did when he was so emotionally & mentally abusive - who wouldn't even touch me or kiss me or even talk to me for weeks on end unless we were with friends gave me the strength to stay faithful even if for only myself - my own pride, self-worth and my own value. I'm so glad i held that sacred to myself which helped me move on, knowing my worth.
i think that i've finally been able to grasp the concept of what love really means - that long term forever love, being patient, being kind - it isn't making excuses for un-excusable behavior, convincing yourself to love someone, trying to convince yourself that they love you or them that they love you... it isn't what love is or anything close to what that is. love is seeing someone for who they are - really are at their worst, their best - knowing their hopes and dreams - their darkest fears and wildest dreams - accepting that they will always do little things that irritate the hell out of you, but still make your heart stop when they walk into a room and look at you and considering that sometimes you hate eachother but that you would never give any of it up for anything. it's knowing all of these things and recognizing that you still want to be with them because of that honest connection that goes both ways - letting someone in to see who you really are and wanting to be with that person despite it all and knowing they want to be with you too.
That's love. faults and all. it's this kind of love that i'm waiting for b/c i know that it's out there somewhere and that i really am 'top-shelf' worth it, even if i am a little crazy ( i blame my eccentric musician grandfather / great-grandfathers for that... i'm a musican too...), and corny and i laugh too much, but i love to laugh. it's been rusty for so long i forgot how it sounded, but i found it and my 'genuine' smile this past year in november and i love it. every day is a bit more happiness, a bit more joy in every single little moment that i have being me again.
i actually forgot how many things i loved that got lost along the way - simple things really - like the smell of earth after the rain starts - the clouds, neither blue nor grey and heavy with rain... that built up pressure & intenseness that seems to hang heady in the air which streches charged, almost tangy with unshed electricity, quiet yet everything so crisp, so alive. the grass stands at attention waiting, full of anticipation for the intoxicating drink about to be served roots relentlessly primed, reaching for the blissful release about to come - the absolute stillness before that first low rumble in the distance and just as it starts, the dry parched earth slowly drinking in the water, streching itself out and releasing the smell of earth - the beginning of life, of sustinance. i miss walking in the rain - being drenched in that coolness, enlivened as all senses are peaked, surrounded by the vibrance of life.
i miss creating, and cooking. my grandmother taught me how to cook and passed along a love of both food and family the two things that become irrivocably intertwined along with the laughter and tears that being together is. i miss her. she died when i was about 11 and i'll never forget how angry i was at her dying. it was almost a 'how dare you leave' type of anger.
i remember her laughter, her kindness, her smile... the smell of her kitchen - the warmth that always permiated through even if it was minus 40 outside - how she always loved us kids helping even if we were more hassle than help.
grandmas kitchen... my happiest memories growing up were there. a place to escape my brothers, homework, the never ending piano practice, my childish worries that were the 'end of my world that week'. i suppose that's why i love cooking so much - it reminds me of her and whenever i'm stressed, upset, worried, angry & yes happy too - guess where i am???
last march my office had fresh creations of some sort weekly and sometimes daily... i actually at one point had no room in my fridge or freezer. i guess it's my way of being close to her even if she's no longer here, and always invariably find myself in the cook-book section of any book-store i find myself in.
It's kind of funny actually - when i was little there were always grown-ups telling me how much i looked like my grandma and i always thought that was just 'awful' because she was old! and well, everyone older than you when you're 5 & 6 is 'old'. this past visit my parents made, they brought a photo album for my 6-year-old niece Jada for a history of our side of the family and it had pictures of my grandmother when she was 16, 17 - just before she met my grandfather and they got married...
she was so beautiful... i hadn't ever seen those old photos before (and still waiting for copies...). she loved to laugh too and my greatest wish would be for just one day to spend with her now, as an adult. to know her - to hear the stories first hand... how she loved & lived with a man for 53 years that never bothered to learn english fully & who loved to drink; how she raised 4 hell-bent boys pretty much on her own; how she found happiness even if she was basiclly an orphan - where she learned to cook, where she learned to garden... i've never know such a stong woman - a woman that the entire family talks about and misses. i think in many ways we lived parallel lives to a point, only my husband got a visectamy w/o talking to me and divorce is now an option and i'm single whereas she stuck it out and learned to be happy. i'm trying, but much of the time i feel as if i'm still grasping at it, waiting for someone to see me - all of me and not just the 'icing'. She's the one woman i will always aspire to be like.
Slowly, i'm building new memories, testing out my ability to bleed red again while waiting for a kiss 'that will end the world as i know it' and becoming whole again and finding MY happiness where ever and whatever that is. slowly, it Will come.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Valentines 2009 - just breathe...
It's late, well for me anyways - 12:19 A.M...
I'm sitting on my couch listening to the furnace kick in - grateful for the sound as I swear my upstairs neighbors have been trying to save money and keeping it really low so it's generally freezing down here where I have noooo control... so I'm absolutly thrilled that I can't see my breath tonight as I sit sipping on licorice tea wrapped up in a blanket.
Oddly enough, today was good, now I say this only because generally i push myself so hard throughout the week that by the time Friday actually rolls around i'm so beat that i'm a disaster - not a pretty sight. Teary, grumpy, emotional cause well that's me over-tired. Lets throw in a guy calling reaaallly late on a fairly regular basis due to time zone differences who melts my bones and well, geez Fridays are generally terrible by the time they roll around.
So for a Friday the 13th, it went pretty well. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping busy at work b/c we've slowed down so much but thankfully we're staying together as a team and pulling through together, so no worries there. If I had to change jobs right now it would be like leaving family - very fortunate to work with the people I do.
So, spent much of today randomly twittering - yes, i've become obsessed with it, and Must lay off it - i'm irritating myself, never mind all my tweets (sorry); did more research on diving, France & Belize and got asked out by my talent manager, who called to book me for a job. I just keep wondering to myself if this much attention has been happening all along & I just haven't seen it, or if it's new... either way i'm finding it strange and more than a little distracting as i'm so not ready for that yet... if at all. I've found out that 'bone-melting men' generally melt the brain as well, and i turn into a complete idiot - not so attractive or productive, but glad that I can feel again, even if it's hurt at this point.
Spent the evening with family which is wonderful, distracting and all around supportive given that exactly a year ago my life fell apart. So the lovey-dovey week of valentines has been a bitter pill, especially running into mutual friends who are now pregnant and happily married and living the life I dreampt of for so long... it's been rough.
My niece learned how to start a fire, and we snuggle up just to watch it; played video games with Curt, and just enjoyed the solace of the evening, letting it wash over me distracting me from my disquieting thoughts.
It was much needed and appreciated... it's in those moments which we find ourselves oppressed with over-abundant emotion that our grounding force, our families whether blood or eclectic help us center ourselves again and just let us breathe.
So tomorrow has arrived and I need to sleep at some point and now sounds just about right.
G'night.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
the ball is rolling...
So my mother is very upset with me, my dad is worried, my co-workers and boss think this is awesome, as do my close friends. Most importantly, I'm excited about this!
I’m running towards adventure with fierce abandon and embracing life with feeling – Finally!
February 14th last year, sitting in Costa Rica with my brother at this fabulous little French crepe café in El Coco, I found out my marriage was over and had no idea what I would be coming home to. One year later I’m still in Calgary, faced destiny or whatever it is you want to call it and I have (after much deliberation, tears, fights with mom and NO I’m not going to adopt a child so you can have grandchildren, and agony over a failed marriage) a plan.
While having given up the idea of work for the day, I’ve promptly fallen into doing research for my upcoming life-altering decision to sell everything I own (except a bare minimum) and be a gypsy for a year or two. (Now see why my mother’s upset??? ;D)
Having said that, now the big thing is to find out where exactly to go!
Being legally divorced in another month opens up a variety of options for the SWAP program (www.SWAP.ca) since I’m still young enough to go that route however the options are not all that inspiring for me wanting to dive. There’s Ireland (cold, but beautiful and would be doing office work – ah, no…) France (oo – that could be nice – not sure about the language… learning Spanish, remembering French and getting the two mixed up – oy!), however I hear the diving is good; this could be very cool… never mind the food, the wine the history – (I wonder if I have cousins there still…) Close to Italy, Belgium, Spain (Love Rioja…) sounding better and better~ will have to give this more concentrated thought…
Germany (uh-no thanks, sorry…) & New Zealand (definitely an option, but I’d rather go to Ireland – just not my cup of tea)
Countries totally on my own: Mexico – well, I love Mexico, but I know way too many people there and that defeats the entire idea of being a gypsy… It would be awesome to hang out for a month or two, but I can’t see it for more than that, unless I had the flexibility of a boat.
Belize – this could be amazing. Warm, beautiful, I know NO one, and looks breath-taking, and from what I’ve read some of the most amazing diving in the world.
My dream of buying my boat is on hold until I actually learn diesel mechanics as well as settling on a specific long-term destination, so in the mean time, I’m searching for a tiny place to call my own while I write, live and have an amazing fantastic adventure, and enjoy being single. Money / work is being covered (which is awesome – besides worst case scenario I’m sure I could waitress…) along with getting my dive certification – I’m scared to death to do it, but at the same time, I’m more scared of not trying it.
All the what-if’s that have plagued me over the past year are just that. What-If’s – risks I’ve never taken, a life I've put on hold and ultimately, nothing would have changed the outcome of the disaster my marriage became… Adventures I’ve never had and a wish-list a mile long. No More.
I think the only thing I’m scared of now is actaully having regrets.
Life comes at you whether you’re ready or not – sweeps you off your feet and dumps you on your ass sometimes, but its so not about falling, but picking yourself up even if it takes a while to catch your breath and dust yourself off! Greatness is borne from failure – you have nowhere to go except up, so why not? The only fears we have are the ones we place on ourselves. I fear regret.
Well, it’s going to be a very tight 7 months but come October 1st, I’ll be going somewhere; I just need help deciding where.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Shoes
Well, I've officially become a shoe-a-holic.
Despite the drastic turn of economical events, I've decided to help the economy with my meager contribution by buying shoes. Lots of shoes!
This weekend, I've added 4 new 'babies' to my collection, and am feeling sexier than hell in my newest red pair, a peep-toe racy red patent leather with a small cork platform and 4 1/2" heel worn with dark DKNY jeans and a printed black, white and red poet cotton embroidered shirt. My title has changed from 'office mama' (funny cause I'm one of the youngest people here) to Hawt office mama! (Thanks Duane... especially for the 'you're they kind of girl to take home to meet Grandma, never mind my mama!' comment...)
Defenitly something to be said for this whole letting go of anger and bitterness and embracing life - so empowering and well, add a pair of sexy red shoes, loose the glasses and turn on the whiles and wow- i'm actually feeling dangerous!
Life is good, but absolutley better with shoes... like icing - not necessary, but damn! Sometimes it just makes the cake!
Despite the drastic turn of economical events, I've decided to help the economy with my meager contribution by buying shoes. Lots of shoes!
This weekend, I've added 4 new 'babies' to my collection, and am feeling sexier than hell in my newest red pair, a peep-toe racy red patent leather with a small cork platform and 4 1/2" heel worn with dark DKNY jeans and a printed black, white and red poet cotton embroidered shirt. My title has changed from 'office mama' (funny cause I'm one of the youngest people here) to Hawt office mama! (Thanks Duane... especially for the 'you're they kind of girl to take home to meet Grandma, never mind my mama!' comment...)
Defenitly something to be said for this whole letting go of anger and bitterness and embracing life - so empowering and well, add a pair of sexy red shoes, loose the glasses and turn on the whiles and wow- i'm actually feeling dangerous!
Life is good, but absolutley better with shoes... like icing - not necessary, but damn! Sometimes it just makes the cake!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Haiti
The following is an excerpt of an email from friends of mine that are in Haiti right now... Laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee... just had to share it!
Does anybody really like roosters? I've never lived on a farm, but it seems strange to me that people would like having the stillness of early morning shattered at the crack of dawn by high-pitched shrilling and crowing. A rooster is like an alarm clock over which you have no control. There is no 'snooze', no 'off'. Imagine, for a minute, that it was a human being doing this. Every morning, without fail, a red-headed, pea-brained, shrieky-voiced guy parks himself under your bedroom window and screams at the top of his lungs. Wouldn't the average person just go and administer a colossal beating on this guy? Why, then, is it ok for an animal to do this?
So D. beat the rooster this morning. D's a pretty peaceable girl, likes animals, and all that, but this bird really had it coming. Since my knowledge of farm life doesn't extend much beyond stereotypes, I'd thought that your typical rooster just crows 2 or three times at sunrise and that's it. The vile creature that lives in our backyard is good for at least 2 hours. First light here is somewhere between 4:30 and 5. So for about two weeks now, from 4:45 to about 7:00, we've been treated to a regimen of what I can only describe as the sound of somebody vomiting and coughing simultaneously, at the pitch of fingernails on a blackboard. Something had to give. We'd tried feeding it, moving it, tying it up, throwing rocks at it, no good. This morning I was lying there with a pillow over my head and willing all the plagues of Egypt on this rooster when I heard the back door slam. A moment later, the bird's next cry was abruptly cut off. Then, the sound of rustling feathers and slapping noises. She had got it by the leg and was holding it upside down, delivering a series of emphatic forehand-backhand combinations. The unstoppable force meets the immovable object. Maybe it's hopeless to try beating instinct out of an animal with such a small brain. Can roosters learn things? Anyhow, our next plan is to tape its beak shut every night and release it at 8:00.
This morning, as it happens, we'd have been up early anyway. We live across from a church. Church starts at 3am. With bells. I thought the tradition of ringing bells to summon people started centuries ago because people didn't have personal timepieces and so had no other way of knowing when services would begin. Why carry on this practice in 2008 when everyone has a watch or cellphone? Why wake up a whole town at 3am because some people like to sit in the dark and sing off-key about Jesus? The singing is bad, but the preacher guy is worse. He doesn't sing, he shouts banalities over the singing, like an auctioneer or a circus ringmaster-"THAT'S RIGHT! JESUS! HE LOVES YOU! DID YOU KNOW IT? CAN YOU FEEL IT? JESUS! JEEEESUS! That anybody could feel spiritually upbuilt by this experience absolutely beggars belief.
Does anybody really like roosters? I've never lived on a farm, but it seems strange to me that people would like having the stillness of early morning shattered at the crack of dawn by high-pitched shrilling and crowing. A rooster is like an alarm clock over which you have no control. There is no 'snooze', no 'off'. Imagine, for a minute, that it was a human being doing this. Every morning, without fail, a red-headed, pea-brained, shrieky-voiced guy parks himself under your bedroom window and screams at the top of his lungs. Wouldn't the average person just go and administer a colossal beating on this guy? Why, then, is it ok for an animal to do this?
So D. beat the rooster this morning. D's a pretty peaceable girl, likes animals, and all that, but this bird really had it coming. Since my knowledge of farm life doesn't extend much beyond stereotypes, I'd thought that your typical rooster just crows 2 or three times at sunrise and that's it. The vile creature that lives in our backyard is good for at least 2 hours. First light here is somewhere between 4:30 and 5. So for about two weeks now, from 4:45 to about 7:00, we've been treated to a regimen of what I can only describe as the sound of somebody vomiting and coughing simultaneously, at the pitch of fingernails on a blackboard. Something had to give. We'd tried feeding it, moving it, tying it up, throwing rocks at it, no good. This morning I was lying there with a pillow over my head and willing all the plagues of Egypt on this rooster when I heard the back door slam. A moment later, the bird's next cry was abruptly cut off. Then, the sound of rustling feathers and slapping noises. She had got it by the leg and was holding it upside down, delivering a series of emphatic forehand-backhand combinations. The unstoppable force meets the immovable object. Maybe it's hopeless to try beating instinct out of an animal with such a small brain. Can roosters learn things? Anyhow, our next plan is to tape its beak shut every night and release it at 8:00.
This morning, as it happens, we'd have been up early anyway. We live across from a church. Church starts at 3am. With bells. I thought the tradition of ringing bells to summon people started centuries ago because people didn't have personal timepieces and so had no other way of knowing when services would begin. Why carry on this practice in 2008 when everyone has a watch or cellphone? Why wake up a whole town at 3am because some people like to sit in the dark and sing off-key about Jesus? The singing is bad, but the preacher guy is worse. He doesn't sing, he shouts banalities over the singing, like an auctioneer or a circus ringmaster-"THAT'S RIGHT! JESUS! HE LOVES YOU! DID YOU KNOW IT? CAN YOU FEEL IT? JESUS! JEEEESUS! That anybody could feel spiritually upbuilt by this experience absolutely beggars belief.
Cuba
after a 27 hour delay at the Calgary Airport (thank-you CANJET) and to date no communication from the tour operator, D & I finally arrived in Varadero half starved & cramped but exhilarated. Unfortunately everything was closed by the time we arrived except for the pool bar which had ham & cheese sandwiches with cabbage (??? don't understand this one...) and Havana Especials. (rum, pineapple juice & marachino liquor).
First day, played in the surf (love my Olympus 770 - waterproof), went dancing got sun and booked tours for the rest of the week.
Day 2: went on a catamaran to Cayo Blanco... now i must say that this is THE beach of every fantasy. sand like powder and the color of cream, still turquoise waters, and absolute perfection, except the snorkeling kinda sucks! Had a lobster lunch on the beach and napped before heading back. Swam with the dolphins (which feel like really big silky foamies) for the first time which was totally rad. Got back, dressed for dinner and went dancing - which us girls 'started up'. pretty neet! Spent the next hour wandering the surf and just trying to absorb every second to brand it on my memory.
Went to bed exhausted, but was up at 6:30 (4:30 am our time) to grab breakfast before getting together with our tour group for 4 x 4-ing through the hillsides of Varadero: now this is a trip I highly recommend taking if you're in the area. we had nearly 40 in our group, so it was a bit on the larger side however was fun just the same. After back-roading for about an hour-and-a-half, we pulled off and went snorkeling in the ocean. MUCH better than at Cayo Blanco, however fell against the waves and my inner-upper thigh connected with fire-coral which burns (ironicly) like fire and left a very strange coral imprint in red (haha - ironicly again like fire...). Other than that, some really amazing snorkeling and has inspired me to get dive certified for my next trip. After snorkeling, got ripped off on a mojito and continued driving for about half an hour, until we stopped to pick up (what was supposed to be speed-boats) our Ferry boat which took us up river to the ranch for lunch. Before this, we were 'treated' to naked traditional dancers... Hmmm painted boobies... Interesting but ahem... strange??? The women wern't impressed, but the men, Loved the show! Haha :D
Caught some amazing rays, chose not to jump off the top of the boat but watched others do so, and finally arrived at the ranch where we had lunch. D & I split a BBQ lobster (so amazing...) went riding on horses (where my baithing suit nearly lost my girls *blush* and got made fun of by the horse guy), rode a bull named blackie and had a tree rat plunked on my head which was totally NOT cool! I don't freak out like, ever, but nearly started crying. All of this while I'm holding a small crocodile in my arms whos jaws are taped together with (yup - get this...) MASKING TAPE! so, freaking out i'm thinking isn't too bad.
So after this adventure, we get back in our jeeps and drive another half hour to a fresh water cave and went cave swimming - fresh water which was so beautiful. It's amazing how different it feels to swim in the ocean vs fresh water. Personally outside of the salt drying on your skin, I totally prefer the ocean. We started heading back after swim to drop off the jeeps and took the bus back to the resort where we had a few drinks, went for dinner and crashed into bed.
Day 3: up even earlier today to grab some breakfast before catching our tour bus to Havana. Our tour guide Raphael was really good... had a lot of history about Cuba, but found it a bit propaganda heavy... kind of a damper for me... Not so much into communism...
Anyhoo... so you can't use bank cards in Cuba so off to find a bank to sneek some money off my visa and get some money to use while there. Spent the morning wandering old Havana which is so beautifully battle-scarred but so proud. Went for lunch, wandered the markets and wandered aimlessly until we got our hotel room (one of 10 which 79 of us shared) showered, napped and wow, what a view!
The rest of the tour went to the Tropicana show while D & I decided to wander around Havana some more and found ourselves at the Hotel National where Hollywoods bygone era of glamerous starlets played. Pretty amazing to be there. Soft jazz mixed with the smell of the surf and rum is completely intoxicating, never mind the tantalizing effects of mojitos! As we're wandering the grounds a really cute couple got engaged (suckers...) actually, it was pretty cute, but as the night lingered on, we found a couple of comfy chairs where we just listened, and I wrote a bit. It was nice.
We had made arrangements to meet up with our bus by the hotel after they finished at the Tropicana show at 11:30, so being freaked out about being left in Havana to take a $200+ cab ride back to Varadero we arrived at 11:15.
Havana is a pretty safe city, but you have to take into consideration that we're a couple of girls who've been 'going strong' for a week now, exhausted, been up since 4:30 am, hot, walking all afternoon and don't speak spanish. So, there we are on a corner - in the center of Havana. and no bus. and the parties are starting. We were able to distinguish a few things people were insuating which was actually pretty funny given the circumstances, but the damn bus didn't show up until 12:30!!! SO NOT IMPRESSED! Girl on the bus sitting behind me threw up and reeked up the bus, and we got pulled over by the police. Again... an adventure.
Crashed into bed, and up at 11. Rented scooters (i've never rode one before... it's a HOOT!), and drove around Varadero for 4 hours, and saw horses that looked healthy by the Don Quxotie tower (sp??) and fanagled a deal out of the guy - the horses were more expensive than the scooters!!! Haha.. Almost got taken out by my horse... and didn't think of the logistics of scoters, horses and a 7 (which turned into 9.5 hour) flight the next day... I'm still brused!!! But... it was worth it!
We spent our last morning wandering the beach, swimming and just relaxing. Our flight home got diverted to Winnipeg b/c the Boeing 737-800 series couldn't handle the headwinds to make it all the way to Calgary. Yup - CAN'TJET didn't tell us until we were taxi-ing to the active run-way so none of us had any way of contacting anyone to let them know...
We arrived back in Calgary at 2 am sun-kissed and home sick for Cuba. Planning on going back for trip # 4 in April!
M.
First day, played in the surf (love my Olympus 770 - waterproof), went dancing got sun and booked tours for the rest of the week.
Day 2: went on a catamaran to Cayo Blanco... now i must say that this is THE beach of every fantasy. sand like powder and the color of cream, still turquoise waters, and absolute perfection, except the snorkeling kinda sucks! Had a lobster lunch on the beach and napped before heading back. Swam with the dolphins (which feel like really big silky foamies) for the first time which was totally rad. Got back, dressed for dinner and went dancing - which us girls 'started up'. pretty neet! Spent the next hour wandering the surf and just trying to absorb every second to brand it on my memory.
Went to bed exhausted, but was up at 6:30 (4:30 am our time) to grab breakfast before getting together with our tour group for 4 x 4-ing through the hillsides of Varadero: now this is a trip I highly recommend taking if you're in the area. we had nearly 40 in our group, so it was a bit on the larger side however was fun just the same. After back-roading for about an hour-and-a-half, we pulled off and went snorkeling in the ocean. MUCH better than at Cayo Blanco, however fell against the waves and my inner-upper thigh connected with fire-coral which burns (ironicly) like fire and left a very strange coral imprint in red (haha - ironicly again like fire...). Other than that, some really amazing snorkeling and has inspired me to get dive certified for my next trip. After snorkeling, got ripped off on a mojito and continued driving for about half an hour, until we stopped to pick up (what was supposed to be speed-boats) our Ferry boat which took us up river to the ranch for lunch. Before this, we were 'treated' to naked traditional dancers... Hmmm painted boobies... Interesting but ahem... strange??? The women wern't impressed, but the men, Loved the show! Haha :D
Caught some amazing rays, chose not to jump off the top of the boat but watched others do so, and finally arrived at the ranch where we had lunch. D & I split a BBQ lobster (so amazing...) went riding on horses (where my baithing suit nearly lost my girls *blush* and got made fun of by the horse guy), rode a bull named blackie and had a tree rat plunked on my head which was totally NOT cool! I don't freak out like, ever, but nearly started crying. All of this while I'm holding a small crocodile in my arms whos jaws are taped together with (yup - get this...) MASKING TAPE! so, freaking out i'm thinking isn't too bad.
So after this adventure, we get back in our jeeps and drive another half hour to a fresh water cave and went cave swimming - fresh water which was so beautiful. It's amazing how different it feels to swim in the ocean vs fresh water. Personally outside of the salt drying on your skin, I totally prefer the ocean. We started heading back after swim to drop off the jeeps and took the bus back to the resort where we had a few drinks, went for dinner and crashed into bed.
Day 3: up even earlier today to grab some breakfast before catching our tour bus to Havana. Our tour guide Raphael was really good... had a lot of history about Cuba, but found it a bit propaganda heavy... kind of a damper for me... Not so much into communism...
Anyhoo... so you can't use bank cards in Cuba so off to find a bank to sneek some money off my visa and get some money to use while there. Spent the morning wandering old Havana which is so beautifully battle-scarred but so proud. Went for lunch, wandered the markets and wandered aimlessly until we got our hotel room (one of 10 which 79 of us shared) showered, napped and wow, what a view!
The rest of the tour went to the Tropicana show while D & I decided to wander around Havana some more and found ourselves at the Hotel National where Hollywoods bygone era of glamerous starlets played. Pretty amazing to be there. Soft jazz mixed with the smell of the surf and rum is completely intoxicating, never mind the tantalizing effects of mojitos! As we're wandering the grounds a really cute couple got engaged (suckers...) actually, it was pretty cute, but as the night lingered on, we found a couple of comfy chairs where we just listened, and I wrote a bit. It was nice.
We had made arrangements to meet up with our bus by the hotel after they finished at the Tropicana show at 11:30, so being freaked out about being left in Havana to take a $200+ cab ride back to Varadero we arrived at 11:15.
Havana is a pretty safe city, but you have to take into consideration that we're a couple of girls who've been 'going strong' for a week now, exhausted, been up since 4:30 am, hot, walking all afternoon and don't speak spanish. So, there we are on a corner - in the center of Havana. and no bus. and the parties are starting. We were able to distinguish a few things people were insuating which was actually pretty funny given the circumstances, but the damn bus didn't show up until 12:30!!! SO NOT IMPRESSED! Girl on the bus sitting behind me threw up and reeked up the bus, and we got pulled over by the police. Again... an adventure.
Crashed into bed, and up at 11. Rented scooters (i've never rode one before... it's a HOOT!), and drove around Varadero for 4 hours, and saw horses that looked healthy by the Don Quxotie tower (sp??) and fanagled a deal out of the guy - the horses were more expensive than the scooters!!! Haha.. Almost got taken out by my horse... and didn't think of the logistics of scoters, horses and a 7 (which turned into 9.5 hour) flight the next day... I'm still brused!!! But... it was worth it!
We spent our last morning wandering the beach, swimming and just relaxing. Our flight home got diverted to Winnipeg b/c the Boeing 737-800 series couldn't handle the headwinds to make it all the way to Calgary. Yup - CAN'TJET didn't tell us until we were taxi-ing to the active run-way so none of us had any way of contacting anyone to let them know...
We arrived back in Calgary at 2 am sun-kissed and home sick for Cuba. Planning on going back for trip # 4 in April!
M.
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