smile memories

so here i am in starbucks/chapters ( i like being a local...) my 'zen' spot on valentines night happy this year; (content is more fitting i think) but after a day with much tears much reflection i'm quietly reviewing the past few years and recognizing how absolutly fortunate, lucky, blessed, 'karma'd' i've been and am to be where i am. i lost my soul for a while; gave it up to make someone else happy which in turn sapped every ounce of me out until i was nothing but a shell - a hollow representation of a strong, confident woman reduced to nothing.

It's harder for me to try and understand how being faithful to my husband as long as I did when he was so emotionally & mentally abusive - who wouldn't even touch me or kiss me or even talk to me for weeks on end unless we were with friends gave me the strength to stay faithful even if for only myself - my own pride, self-worth and my own value. I'm so glad i held that sacred to myself which helped me move on, knowing my worth.


i think that i've finally been able to grasp the concept of what love really means - that long term forever love, being patient, being kind - it isn't making excuses for un-excusable behavior, convincing yourself to love someone, trying to convince yourself that they love you or them that they love you... it isn't what love is or anything close to what that is. love is seeing someone for who they are - really are at their worst, their best - knowing their hopes and dreams - their darkest fears and wildest dreams - accepting that they will always do little things that irritate the hell out of you, but still make your heart stop when they walk into a room and look at you and considering that sometimes you hate eachother but that you would never give any of it up for anything. it's knowing all of these things and recognizing that you still want to be with them because of that honest connection that goes both ways - letting someone in to see who you really are and wanting to be with that person despite it all and knowing they want to be with you too.

That's love. faults and all. it's this kind of love that i'm waiting for b/c i know that it's out there somewhere and that i really am 'top-shelf' worth it, even if i am a little crazy ( i blame my eccentric musician grandfather / great-grandfathers for that... i'm a musican too...), and corny and i laugh too much, but i love to laugh. it's been rusty for so long i forgot how it sounded, but i found it and my 'genuine' smile this past year in november and i love it. every day is a bit more happiness, a bit more joy in every single little moment that i have being me again.


i actually forgot how many things i loved that got lost along the way - simple things really - like the smell of earth after the rain starts - the clouds, neither blue nor grey and heavy with rain... that built up pressure & intenseness that seems to hang heady in the air which streches charged, almost tangy with unshed electricity, quiet yet everything so crisp, so alive. the grass stands at attention waiting, full of anticipation for the intoxicating drink about to be served roots relentlessly primed, reaching for the blissful release about to come - the absolute stillness before that first low rumble in the distance and just as it starts, the dry parched earth slowly drinking in the water, streching itself out and releasing the smell of earth - the beginning of life, of sustinance. i miss walking in the rain - being drenched in that coolness, enlivened as all senses are peaked, surrounded by the vibrance of life.


i miss creating, and cooking. my grandmother taught me how to cook and passed along a love of both food and family the two things that become irrivocably intertwined along with the laughter and tears that being together is. i miss her. she died when i was about 11 and i'll never forget how angry i was at her dying. it was almost a 'how dare you leave' type of anger.


i remember her laughter, her kindness, her smile... the smell of her kitchen - the warmth that always permiated through even if it was minus 40 outside - how she always loved us kids helping even if we were more hassle than help.


grandmas kitchen... my happiest memories growing up were there. a place to escape my brothers, homework, the never ending piano practice, my childish worries that were the 'end of my world that week'. i suppose that's why i love cooking so much - it reminds me of her and whenever i'm stressed, upset, worried, angry & yes happy too - guess where i am???

last march my office had fresh creations of some sort weekly and sometimes daily... i actually at one point had no room in my fridge or freezer. i guess it's my way of being close to her even if she's no longer here, and always invariably find myself in the cook-book section of any book-store i find myself in.


It's kind of funny actually - when i was little there were always grown-ups telling me how much i looked like my grandma and i always thought that was just 'awful' because she was old! and well, everyone older than you when you're 5 & 6 is 'old'. this past visit my parents made, they brought a photo album for my 6-year-old niece Jada for a history of our side of the family and it had pictures of my grandmother when she was 16, 17 - just before she met my grandfather and they got married...

she was so beautiful... i hadn't ever seen those old photos before (and still waiting for copies...). she loved to laugh too and my greatest wish would be for just one day to spend with her now, as an adult. to know her - to hear the stories first hand... how she loved & lived with a man for 53 years that never bothered to learn english fully & who loved to drink; how she raised 4 hell-bent boys pretty much on her own; how she found happiness even if she was basiclly an orphan - where she learned to cook, where she learned to garden... i've never know such a stong woman - a woman that the entire family talks about and misses. i think in many ways we lived parallel lives to a point, only my husband got a visectamy w/o talking to me and divorce is now an option and i'm single whereas she stuck it out and learned to be happy. i'm trying, but much of the time i feel as if i'm still grasping at it, waiting for someone to see me - all of me and not just the 'icing'. She's the one woman i will always aspire to be like.

Slowly, i'm building new memories, testing out my ability to bleed red again while waiting for a kiss 'that will end the world as i know it' and becoming whole again and finding MY happiness where ever and whatever that is. slowly, it Will come.