Grateful.

Its 2:17 P.M. and i'm taking a bit of time to reflect on what i'm so truly grateful for.

It's been a tumultuous few days for the family. My nephew's wife - beautiful, young and so in love, was killed on Wednesday morning on her way to work when her car spun out of control, crossed a median and was hit by a gravel truck. She was 19. Family has been pouring in from all over the country for her funeral. The viewing is actually happening today, she'll be buried tomorrow and the memorial service will be held on Sunday - what would have been they're first wedding anniversary. Truly heart-breaking.

Its hard to make sense of life sometimes; all the whys, what-ifs, and why nots, but all the questioning in the world will never bring her back and it breaks my heart; it also invariably makes me question my own circumstances - if I knew that today was my last day would I be happy with what I've done with not just today, but my life so-far?

Beg's consideration.

And so, i'm here, at my favorite starbucks drinking my favorite calorie laden drink listeing to the crooning of the album playing - it seems to be compilation of Dean Martin, Ella, Billie and others which are my favorites. I hugged both my parent today and told them I loved them, (they drove 1200 miles to be here and got in at 4 this morning); mom and I actually sat and had a (depressingly) frank conversation about age - how in 2046 she'll be 100, and I'll be older than she is now... it seems so far away, and yet so short a time. A proverb says 'man, born of woman is short lived and glutted with agitation' - so true but depressing. Motivates me to be less 'glutted with agitation' and determined to see life as the glass half full.

I found someone I want to know more and more about; the joys, sorrows, everything. I spent time with my niece, and will see my other niece tonight. I've seen and talked to cousins, brothers and other loved ones.

I think that at the end of the day, its about capturing the little everyday moments that are so fleetingly normal that build to make memories and a life worth living... those sometimes agonizing moments where we seem so bored with the monotony of life that really are the special times. I'm grateful to have had all of those moments, good and bad b/c they make me who I am today, who I want to be, what I'm not and what I inspire to be.

Bottom line, I don't want to waste one second of this precious life I've been granted, ever. It's all I have.

The way I see it # 26

Ok - the quote i was trying to remember last night i yet again got on my grande cup from starbucks - (over production???)

"Failure's hard, but success if far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in forever."
- Po Bronson, Author

This is my fear, but I'm rolling ahead! :D

Catch 22 - LIVE or live...

i'm booked for Nashville in March and freaking out about it.

i've been laying here in bed for over an hour tossing and turning wondering if this really is the road i want to go down for the next however many years of my life or if i just really want to get rid of the 'socially acceptable' crap in my life and run away and experience life for a few years first...

i'm not into money and think that we mass consumerise so much to our detriment that it ruins us. yes - it is a necessity, but there is a limit. i just can't help but think - will it ruin me? will it become so all consuming that i'll just get lost in it? is it really going to make me happy or am i chasing a pipe dream? trying to convince someone to hand over or initally invest 100K into this project especially in the market we're in is freaking me out! what happens if this bombs? i can handle the risk to my own (not that i'd be thrilled about it) but someone elses hard earned cash is something else entirely. i'm already working 2 jobs to save and live and i'm back at zero with the possibility of not having a job in 6 months (gotta love CCA/Chapter 11) so quite honestly i'm considering getting a pub waitress job just to save enough to keep this project going if i can't secure the funding and having a 'souvenier' worth $200,000+ is not something i relish, especially if i end up 'mortgageing' it if it tanks. don't even want to CONSIDER my work schedule if that happens... Trying to mentally categorize pros and cons is just overwhelming but i just can't seem to stop!

i love the quotes on the cups from starbucks, and funny i was thinking that i keep getting the same one over and over... it's a grande cup that says something like 'failure is hard, but sucess is harder - being sucessful at the wrong thing will wrap you up so tightly you'll never be able to leave it'. i think that's what terrifies me.

not the commitment part about it, but the losing of ones soul along the way. am i prepared to do that - no. but do i take the risk???

a friend once told me that some doors only open once and never again, but having the courage to go through or the wisdom to shut it is the hardest decision of all, and i am here right now. follow you heart - your dreams - but at what 'cost' - & i'm not talking about monetary here...

at this point, i have invested 11K of my own money (not like i have much here okay & this was my cushion which no longer exists...) which should i not be able to secure capital, is gone. that's enough for me to live abroad simply for 2 years while working part-time. i've told 4 people about this and none of my family which is really sad, but unfortunately i'm on my own with this one so no positive suport from that corner. of all the responses from people that 'know' T. has been the best... maybe b/c it was like a 'hug' "as long as it's your dream honey, it's mine too" - the solid support of either way it goes - i'm just panicky!


Would love a little advice from someone who's 'been there', cause i'm feeling like i just jumped off a cliff and my parachute isn't opening...

Vitamin D

not sure how the hell i attract so many men (look - i'm not complaining) but it sure makes it hard to figure out what to do about it. trouble is that i'm not attracted to very many and i think i have a penchant for jerks... (again - not sure why this is: bad-boy complex??)

D - wonderful, sweet, gorgeous, built, sexy, asks me out EVERY day and 'suprise'! not interested... i Cannot for the life of me figure this out except to say that there are a few nagging mannerisms that remind me of my ex and that's enough for me to run... Currently trying to convince me that all i need is 'vitamin Dee to cure it all' - cheezy but...

what to do... *sigh...

my simple aspirations...

crazy thing... my biggest aspiration in life was to be a wife and a mom... it still is. my husband took both of those things away from me and life is happening... and i'm not sure where it's going to take me - either way... having a crazy gypsy adventure running away to another country for a year or two or more... or if in a million to one chance - actually i've got more odds of winning the lottery than succeeding in the music industry but one step at a time the odds are getting better...

if i had the world laid at my feet i'd give it all up just to have a man love me for who i am and to have babies... rich or poor.

amazing how we get what we don't want and sometimes we'll never have what we really want even when its so simple.

Nashville? Next month??? Seriously??? :O

tonight, i think everything changed - had thought about this so much and now that i've gotten the ball rolling it up and turned on me and my song writing & my voice is actually getting noticed which is awesome, but kinda hitting me from left field. the fact that i will probably be in nashville next month and am rounding up money, getting investors and working with an amazing song writer to tweek some of my stuff and he's writing stuff for me is blowing me away. i'm stunned actually that the reality is that i will have an album finished by the end of september with marketing started for a spring 10' launch is enough to make me jump up and down with excitement... national deal - a record label wants me - i'm speechless... i'm seriously just OMGoodness speechless...

smile memories

so here i am in starbucks/chapters ( i like being a local...) my 'zen' spot on valentines night happy this year; (content is more fitting i think) but after a day with much tears much reflection i'm quietly reviewing the past few years and recognizing how absolutly fortunate, lucky, blessed, 'karma'd' i've been and am to be where i am. i lost my soul for a while; gave it up to make someone else happy which in turn sapped every ounce of me out until i was nothing but a shell - a hollow representation of a strong, confident woman reduced to nothing.

It's harder for me to try and understand how being faithful to my husband as long as I did when he was so emotionally & mentally abusive - who wouldn't even touch me or kiss me or even talk to me for weeks on end unless we were with friends gave me the strength to stay faithful even if for only myself - my own pride, self-worth and my own value. I'm so glad i held that sacred to myself which helped me move on, knowing my worth.


i think that i've finally been able to grasp the concept of what love really means - that long term forever love, being patient, being kind - it isn't making excuses for un-excusable behavior, convincing yourself to love someone, trying to convince yourself that they love you or them that they love you... it isn't what love is or anything close to what that is. love is seeing someone for who they are - really are at their worst, their best - knowing their hopes and dreams - their darkest fears and wildest dreams - accepting that they will always do little things that irritate the hell out of you, but still make your heart stop when they walk into a room and look at you and considering that sometimes you hate eachother but that you would never give any of it up for anything. it's knowing all of these things and recognizing that you still want to be with them because of that honest connection that goes both ways - letting someone in to see who you really are and wanting to be with that person despite it all and knowing they want to be with you too.

That's love. faults and all. it's this kind of love that i'm waiting for b/c i know that it's out there somewhere and that i really am 'top-shelf' worth it, even if i am a little crazy ( i blame my eccentric musician grandfather / great-grandfathers for that... i'm a musican too...), and corny and i laugh too much, but i love to laugh. it's been rusty for so long i forgot how it sounded, but i found it and my 'genuine' smile this past year in november and i love it. every day is a bit more happiness, a bit more joy in every single little moment that i have being me again.


i actually forgot how many things i loved that got lost along the way - simple things really - like the smell of earth after the rain starts - the clouds, neither blue nor grey and heavy with rain... that built up pressure & intenseness that seems to hang heady in the air which streches charged, almost tangy with unshed electricity, quiet yet everything so crisp, so alive. the grass stands at attention waiting, full of anticipation for the intoxicating drink about to be served roots relentlessly primed, reaching for the blissful release about to come - the absolute stillness before that first low rumble in the distance and just as it starts, the dry parched earth slowly drinking in the water, streching itself out and releasing the smell of earth - the beginning of life, of sustinance. i miss walking in the rain - being drenched in that coolness, enlivened as all senses are peaked, surrounded by the vibrance of life.


i miss creating, and cooking. my grandmother taught me how to cook and passed along a love of both food and family the two things that become irrivocably intertwined along with the laughter and tears that being together is. i miss her. she died when i was about 11 and i'll never forget how angry i was at her dying. it was almost a 'how dare you leave' type of anger.


i remember her laughter, her kindness, her smile... the smell of her kitchen - the warmth that always permiated through even if it was minus 40 outside - how she always loved us kids helping even if we were more hassle than help.


grandmas kitchen... my happiest memories growing up were there. a place to escape my brothers, homework, the never ending piano practice, my childish worries that were the 'end of my world that week'. i suppose that's why i love cooking so much - it reminds me of her and whenever i'm stressed, upset, worried, angry & yes happy too - guess where i am???

last march my office had fresh creations of some sort weekly and sometimes daily... i actually at one point had no room in my fridge or freezer. i guess it's my way of being close to her even if she's no longer here, and always invariably find myself in the cook-book section of any book-store i find myself in.


It's kind of funny actually - when i was little there were always grown-ups telling me how much i looked like my grandma and i always thought that was just 'awful' because she was old! and well, everyone older than you when you're 5 & 6 is 'old'. this past visit my parents made, they brought a photo album for my 6-year-old niece Jada for a history of our side of the family and it had pictures of my grandmother when she was 16, 17 - just before she met my grandfather and they got married...

she was so beautiful... i hadn't ever seen those old photos before (and still waiting for copies...). she loved to laugh too and my greatest wish would be for just one day to spend with her now, as an adult. to know her - to hear the stories first hand... how she loved & lived with a man for 53 years that never bothered to learn english fully & who loved to drink; how she raised 4 hell-bent boys pretty much on her own; how she found happiness even if she was basiclly an orphan - where she learned to cook, where she learned to garden... i've never know such a stong woman - a woman that the entire family talks about and misses. i think in many ways we lived parallel lives to a point, only my husband got a visectamy w/o talking to me and divorce is now an option and i'm single whereas she stuck it out and learned to be happy. i'm trying, but much of the time i feel as if i'm still grasping at it, waiting for someone to see me - all of me and not just the 'icing'. She's the one woman i will always aspire to be like.

Slowly, i'm building new memories, testing out my ability to bleed red again while waiting for a kiss 'that will end the world as i know it' and becoming whole again and finding MY happiness where ever and whatever that is. slowly, it Will come.

Valentines 2009 - just breathe...

It's late, well for me anyways - 12:19 A.M...

I'm sitting on my couch listening to the furnace kick in - grateful for the sound as I swear my upstairs neighbors have been trying to save money and keeping it really low so it's generally freezing down here where I have noooo control... so I'm absolutly thrilled that I can't see my breath tonight as I sit sipping on licorice tea wrapped up in a blanket.

Oddly enough, today was good, now I say this only because generally i push myself so hard throughout the week that by the time Friday actually rolls around i'm so beat that i'm a disaster - not a pretty sight. Teary, grumpy, emotional cause well that's me over-tired. Lets throw in a guy calling reaaallly late on a fairly regular basis due to time zone differences who melts my bones and well, geez Fridays are generally terrible by the time they roll around.

So for a Friday the 13th, it went pretty well. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping busy at work b/c we've slowed down so much but thankfully we're staying together as a team and pulling through together, so no worries there. If I had to change jobs right now it would be like leaving family - very fortunate to work with the people I do.

So, spent much of today randomly twittering - yes, i've become obsessed with it, and Must lay off it - i'm irritating myself, never mind all my tweets (sorry); did more research on diving, France & Belize and got asked out by my talent manager, who called to book me for a job. I just keep wondering to myself if this much attention has been happening all along & I just haven't seen it, or if it's new... either way i'm finding it strange and more than a little distracting as i'm so not ready for that yet... if at all. I've found out that 'bone-melting men' generally melt the brain as well, and i turn into a complete idiot - not so attractive or productive, but glad that I can feel again, even if it's hurt at this point.

Spent the evening with family which is wonderful, distracting and all around supportive given that exactly a year ago my life fell apart. So the lovey-dovey week of valentines has been a bitter pill, especially running into mutual friends who are now pregnant and happily married and living the life I dreampt of for so long... it's been rough.

My niece learned how to start a fire, and we snuggle up just to watch it; played video games with Curt, and just enjoyed the solace of the evening, letting it wash over me distracting me from my disquieting thoughts.

It was much needed and appreciated... it's in those moments which we find ourselves oppressed with over-abundant emotion that our grounding force, our families whether blood or eclectic help us center ourselves again and just let us breathe.

So tomorrow has arrived and I need to sleep at some point and now sounds just about right.

G'night.

the ball is rolling...

So my mother is very upset with me, my dad is worried, my co-workers and boss think this is awesome, as do my close friends. Most importantly, I'm excited about this!

I’m running towards adventure with fierce abandon and embracing life with feeling – Finally!

February 14th last year, sitting in Costa Rica with my brother at this fabulous little French crepe café in El Coco, I found out my marriage was over and had no idea what I would be coming home to. One year later I’m still in Calgary, faced destiny or whatever it is you want to call it and I have (after much deliberation, tears, fights with mom and NO I’m not going to adopt a child so you can have grandchildren, and agony over a failed marriage) a plan.

While having given up the idea of work for the day, I’ve promptly fallen into doing research for my upcoming life-altering decision to sell everything I own (except a bare minimum) and be a gypsy for a year or two. (Now see why my mother’s upset??? ;D)

Having said that, now the big thing is to find out where exactly to go!

Being legally divorced in another month opens up a variety of options for the SWAP program (www.SWAP.ca) since I’m still young enough to go that route however the options are not all that inspiring for me wanting to dive. There’s Ireland (cold, but beautiful and would be doing office work – ah, no…) France (oo – that could be nice – not sure about the language… learning Spanish, remembering French and getting the two mixed up – oy!), however I hear the diving is good; this could be very cool… never mind the food, the wine the history – (I wonder if I have cousins there still…) Close to Italy, Belgium, Spain (Love Rioja…) sounding better and better~ will have to give this more concentrated thought…

Germany (uh-no thanks, sorry…) & New Zealand (definitely an option, but I’d rather go to Ireland – just not my cup of tea)

Countries totally on my own: Mexico – well, I love Mexico, but I know way too many people there and that defeats the entire idea of being a gypsy… It would be awesome to hang out for a month or two, but I can’t see it for more than that, unless I had the flexibility of a boat.

Belize – this could be amazing. Warm, beautiful, I know NO one, and looks breath-taking, and from what I’ve read some of the most amazing diving in the world.

My dream of buying my boat is on hold until I actually learn diesel mechanics as well as settling on a specific long-term destination, so in the mean time, I’m searching for a tiny place to call my own while I write, live and have an amazing fantastic adventure, and enjoy being single. Money / work is being covered (which is awesome – besides worst case scenario I’m sure I could waitress…) along with getting my dive certification – I’m scared to death to do it, but at the same time, I’m more scared of not trying it.

All the what-if’s that have plagued me over the past year are just that. What-If’s – risks I’ve never taken, a life I've put on hold and ultimately, nothing would have changed the outcome of the disaster my marriage became… Adventures I’ve never had and a wish-list a mile long. No More.

I think the only thing I’m scared of now is actaully having regrets.

Life comes at you whether you’re ready or not – sweeps you off your feet and dumps you on your ass sometimes, but its so not about falling, but picking yourself up even if it takes a while to catch your breath and dust yourself off! Greatness is borne from failure – you have nowhere to go except up, so why not? The only fears we have are the ones we place on ourselves. I fear regret.

Well, it’s going to be a very tight 7 months but come October 1st, I’ll be going somewhere; I just need help deciding where.

Shoes

Well, I've officially become a shoe-a-holic.

Despite the drastic turn of economical events, I've decided to help the economy with my meager contribution by buying shoes. Lots of shoes!

This weekend, I've added 4 new 'babies' to my collection, and am feeling sexier than hell in my newest red pair, a peep-toe racy red patent leather with a small cork platform and 4 1/2" heel worn with dark DKNY jeans and a printed black, white and red poet cotton embroidered shirt. My title has changed from 'office mama' (funny cause I'm one of the youngest people here) to Hawt office mama! (Thanks Duane... especially for the 'you're they kind of girl to take home to meet Grandma, never mind my mama!' comment...)

Defenitly something to be said for this whole letting go of anger and bitterness and embracing life - so empowering and well, add a pair of sexy red shoes, loose the glasses and turn on the whiles and wow- i'm actually feeling dangerous!

Life is good, but absolutley better with shoes... like icing - not necessary, but damn! Sometimes it just makes the cake!